Rock Of Love Redux

Thanks to Time Warner On Demand, I've been able to catch up on Rock Of Love, featuring Bret Michaels (one of the few remaining hair metal celebrities to not get their own reality show - I think this leaves only Stephen Pearcy of Ratt, who I assume would be holding out for some sort of reality show involving time traveling back to the late 80's where people remember anything by his band other than "Round and Round").

My favorite part so far: the scene where Bret takes three girls to Jim Henson studios to watch Bret record an "actual track" with Dave Was, who, even as old producers go, looks creepy (imagine Rick Rubin with dreads). Each of the three, thanks to the magic of the autotuner, is allowed by Bret to sing on the track. My favorite quote was from the one who, after singing and expressing how amazing the experience was, exclaimed "it's almost like we were in tune together!"

I think Bret has more headbands than Pete Wentz has hoodies. The best fashion moment, however, is the gigantic spotted cowhide (or possibly dalmation fur) robe he wears during the second elimination round. He looks like a walking Gateway logo.

Claire covered the phone sex challenge marvelously, but I have to mention that all I could think of the whole time was that old episode of Loveline where the phone sex operator called in because she wanted to know how to get guys to stay on the line longer, and Adam told her to start just mentioning the Holocaust to "slow them down," and she didn't even know what the Holocaust was. Anyway....

What a shock that he keeps all the girls that have rivalries with each other.

I now have "Round and Round" stuck in my head (which is entirely my own fault), and I can't wait to see the Scott Baio reality show.

Oh, one last thing for now: does anyone else think that Bret looks kind of exactly like this guy?

Rock of Love: part deux

Rocking out with your cock out is difficult but this week Bret managed to do that successfully. All of the episodes have gotten mixed up in my head so i'm having a hard time distinguishing which one i'm reviewing so I'll just review the parts that i found the most entertaining.

1. the phone sex challenge: the phone sex challenge was more of a chance to see how easy or hard it is to reduce the effects of viagra. The ladies were put on a phone with bret, who was in the other room, and were told to talk to him as they would if he were on tour. bret is clad with messy hair, a smoking jacket, and what looks like silk pajamas. The kicker is that... bret cannot decide for himself whether or not he;s being turned on so they bring in a doctor complete with asterisk at the bottom of the screen saying that in fact he is not a doctor. The doctor then applies a disk that looks ginormous, around brets penis, monitoring how hard he gets as he's talking to the girls. needless to say, panting, talk of british nannies and bad poetry ensue. He admits that he likes being treated like a king. I was definitely shocked by this because he always seemed like the type who liked to have his ass proded with a 10 inch probe, but i guess thats the reason for the show: to learn more about bret michaels, and how he likes to have sex.

2. one of the things that gets me is southern people. i love southern things... except for the rampant racism and occasional incest.. southern culture is so down to earth and friendly. bret does southern culture another disservice.. however his southern accent/charm is still bewilderingly sexy. Actually come to think of it, after the 3rd episode there are only white girls left... but like i said im my last post, i try not to think about things i don't like.

once again i've gotten tired... i'll continue this as things throughout my day continue to remind me of the show.. hopefully i won't be too nautious/happy to post it.

infomercial review #1: The Magic Bullet

Claire, one of our resident infomercial reviewers, has seen the infomercial for the Magic Bullet more times than she can count. Maybe it's due to her love of food, microwave recipes, or maybe it's because she's an insomniac with no homework, we're not really sure. Regardless of the reasons, regardless of the moral consequences, Zenziro invited her in to discuss how much or little she wants the magic bullet for herself or her friends greg and kenze's upcoming wedding present.

here is her story:

Hi ya'll, I have watched The Magic Bullet commercial so many times that I could probably recite every recipe they make in order. I won't do that, though.. because that would just be gratuitous. I will however make a couple of lists:

What did I like about the product:

1. you can make nachos in the microwave with it - I love microwave recipes, especially the kind you can only find in a 1970's microwave user manual. Have you ever thought that you could make thanksgiving dinner in a microwave? I'll post that one in the upcoming recipe section. it only takes 5 days.

2. It comes with color-coded lids for each "bullet" so that when you make drinks each person has their own color filled with popov.

3. You can make Guacamole - granted you can only make about enough for half a baby, but it does look delicious. I was a little disturbed by the fact that they use miniature vegetables to make it look like it fits its in the bullet and there's really no clean-up OR preparation. but i give them some leeway because maybe they live in a town where the vegetables are smaller.

4. You can also make muffins. i hate muffins and i don't really know how they're made but it looked like it only took 20 seconds.. which would free up my time to do things that i never have time for.. I'm constantly spending all of my time making things like pancakes, or breads and i always put off things like taking a virtual tour of mt everest i set up a couple of years ago. (this is just fyi but its amazing what you can do with a couple of Mexican guys from home depot dressed as sherpas, a video camera, and 5 tickets to Tibet.)

5. this is my favorite thing you can do.. you can make alfredo! in the microwave and it only took 30 seconds!
they threw in some noodles which would take about 15 minutes and require clean up, but once again i try to forget things i don't like.

anyway there's more but I'm already getting sidetracked by that sherpa video.
anyway the negative is that it needs more free products like, say, the flavor injector, or some kind of chopper.

review of rock of love(: the love story of bret michaels)

bret michaels, the (aging) lead singer of Poison, has a reality show geared towards finding him a girlfriend. The opinion of our resident reality show critic is that it is really really good. G

ood means a lot of things in the reality world. For our Resident Reality show addict, that means that it has the perfect level of intentional and unintentional irony, sleaze and drama. Sadly, Bret... as unintentionally sleazy as he is, actually seems like a well rounded person. Which I don't think he's a good enough actor to pull off as a fake. This is one of the many things which makes it work.

Anyway... the moral of the story is that you put a bunch of white trash (- although they're not all white*) drunk girls with fake boobs complete with generic tattoos.. which are from a diverse spectrum of cheesy counter cultures.. you get a GREAT show. Especially when you throw in a girl who looks like shes 18, a girl who talks like shes 10, and a 50 yr old "southern lady" who looks like she walked out of a bar on the outskirts of fresno... complete with matching hat, chaps, and some kind of line-dancing skirt. That girl's name is rodeo. Surprise!

moral of the story is... watch it. i have a feeling it's only going to get better.



*this is my homage to affirmative action which has taught me one thing - white trash can affect anyone...and trash just doesn't do it justice.

Culture

I just saw a Depeche Mode cover band at an Irish Pub in Mexico City. My sidekick Tyler and I were the only Americans in the place. It was eerie and absolutely amazing. We must have found the only bar in all of Mexico that doesn't sell Corona. Also, cigarettes cost less than $2 a pack in Mexico City. Good luck quitting, Kevin.

Kevin's Review Of Marie Antoinette

Let them eat cake? More like... let them eat mediocrity!

I made that up.

as i was just saying about mr blair

or "bambi" as he's nicknamed...



he used to be cool
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070509/ap_on_re_eu/farewell_to_blair

now he sucks..

healthy resentment:

1. uranus not being pronounced as it should be

2. the summer weather in winter is actually just frightening

3. there are no benefits to working next to the department of water and power.... actually they just steal your parking spots

4. to make 16 dollars an hour you have to pay 12 dollars to park... calculating to a massive paycheck of 14.50 an hour. wtf?

5. after not drinking hard alcohol for awhile, i had a recent bender where i was drinking jim beam from the bottle. This in turn gave me a sore throat. how is this sore throat THAT different than people who have strep? and why can't i call in sick?

6. parking karma - where does it come from? and how can i buy some?

7. when everyone already knows your funniest joke. (and all of the variations you tell it)

8. when you realize your funniest joke wasn't even that funny to begin with.

9. when spiderman 3 takes in 200 million its first weekend and its the most ridiculous shit ever made.

10. figuring that you can create a blog (thats also a magazine) and turn it into 400 million dollars cuz its 10 times better than spiderman.

healthy resentment:

1. uranus not being pronounced as it should be

2. the summer weather in winter is actually just frightening

3. there are no benefits to working next to the department of water and power.... actually they just steal your parking spots

4. to make 16 dollars an hour you have to pay 12 dollars to park... calculating to a massive paycheck of 14.50 an hour. wtf?

5. after not drinking hard alcohol for awhile, i had a recent bender where i was drinking jim beam from the bottle. This in turn gave me a sore throat. how is this sore throat THAT different than people who have strep? and why can't i call in sick?

6. parking karma - where does it come from? and how can i buy some?

7. when everyone already knows your funniest joke. (and all of the variations you tell it)

8. when you realize your funniest joke wasn't even that funny to begin with.

9. when spiderman 3 takes in 200 million its first weekend and its the most ridiculous shit ever made.

10. figuring that you can create a blog (thats also a magazine) and turn it into 400 million dollars cuz its 10 times better than spiderman.

Remember When 24 Was Awesome?

I haven't paid much attention to 24 recently, because the plot no longer manages to supercede the whole "propaganda for insensitive americans" bent, but I'm too far into the season now to not push forward. I'd just like to voice my opinion that the plot of this season has become so illogical and, at times, downright boring, that the show that used to be so stressful that it forced you to chain smoke is now the show that just makes you want to quit smoking altogether.

They already killed off Curtis, who is the most recent in a long line of great characters to suffer untimely deaths, Jack's barely gotten into any shootouts, most of the staff at CTU are bumbling idiots (other than Chloe, who's turning into one), the guy from NYPD Blue is lame, the Presidency has been usurped for like the 3rd time in 6 seasons and, above all, I need a nap.

Remember the "where's my wife?" scene from season 1? What happened to that 24?

short and sweet reviews of movies no one cares about: the queen and little children

i took a chance on little children.. i liked all of the actors from their different roles.. mainly the one from angels in america. i forget his name.. but he was phenomenal at being mormon.

review: it was ok... it was narrated which i didn't like. showed the monotony of marriage and the shittiness (sp?) of surburbia. of course i was most impressed with the child molestor who at the end of the movie chops off his own penis. i dunno it's one of those movies that as you're watching you're bored with but happen to end up thinking about for the next few days. so i'll give it a "D" for digestive.

The Queen- by snooty british people who care far too much about something not that giant that happened not that long ago.

don't get me wrong Princess Diana did a lot of really amazing things especially for people with AIDS. But at the same time she was a 'lady of the tabloids' who had a ridiculously wealthy lifestyle. i've read a lot of things that talked about how she was completely bi-polar and would freak out regularly. not to say that us insane folks don't deserve love.. i just don't think it's that important.
so... the queen's a quiet lady who's obviously old fashioned and is accustomed to not showing emotion. thats basically the plot of the entire movie.. oh and tony blair who everyone can't get enough of.. fighting with her to acknowledge the people who are grieving for diana.

i dont like blair... if anything it just made me madder at him because at one time he actually cared about the middle and lower classes....

oh well

i give this a "W" for whatever you upper class snooty british sassholes who care too much about dumb things like the monarchy

in other news....

the movie "what women want" staring mel gibson was on tv this weekend. the story is about a guy who can read women's thoughts and thus becomes the perfect man whore.


yes the jesus christ of all media, mel gibson is what i've been wanting all this time. mel gibson, you dawg you.

giving new meaning to the words "bad writing"

lost...
lost lost lost...
it would be too easy to make the obvious jokes that they've "lost" their way etc.. so i won't go there. i'll just say one thing: i fell asleep while i was watching lost this wednesday.
granted i had gone on a jim beam bender that ended in tears but regardless i still managed to get up, turn on the tv and was still cognizent enough to know that lost had once again failed me.

lost lost lost
why oh why oh why

TFBPTPB9PMA10PMNHT

That's short for.... you get it.

Let's keep this one short because I have homework.

Fayed dies, Jack recovers the nukes and saves the world, all while Palmer goes more and more insane. All is right with the world and they could end the season, but then we have to find out Audrey's still alive and captive in China. Unless Jack plans on instantly teleporting to China, there aren't enough episodes in the season for him to get there. I don't get it.

Sopranos and Entourage Premiers in 17 Syllables

Sopranos:

So so sooooo boring.
Tony/Bobby fight was lame.
Where was the action?

Entourage:

Piven's on fire.
Season's shaping up to rule.
Going to bed now.


Side note: The Sopranos have the best press photos ever. Remember this one?