Rock Of Love Redux

Thanks to Time Warner On Demand, I've been able to catch up on Rock Of Love, featuring Bret Michaels (one of the few remaining hair metal celebrities to not get their own reality show - I think this leaves only Stephen Pearcy of Ratt, who I assume would be holding out for some sort of reality show involving time traveling back to the late 80's where people remember anything by his band other than "Round and Round").

My favorite part so far: the scene where Bret takes three girls to Jim Henson studios to watch Bret record an "actual track" with Dave Was, who, even as old producers go, looks creepy (imagine Rick Rubin with dreads). Each of the three, thanks to the magic of the autotuner, is allowed by Bret to sing on the track. My favorite quote was from the one who, after singing and expressing how amazing the experience was, exclaimed "it's almost like we were in tune together!"

I think Bret has more headbands than Pete Wentz has hoodies. The best fashion moment, however, is the gigantic spotted cowhide (or possibly dalmation fur) robe he wears during the second elimination round. He looks like a walking Gateway logo.

Claire covered the phone sex challenge marvelously, but I have to mention that all I could think of the whole time was that old episode of Loveline where the phone sex operator called in because she wanted to know how to get guys to stay on the line longer, and Adam told her to start just mentioning the Holocaust to "slow them down," and she didn't even know what the Holocaust was. Anyway....

What a shock that he keeps all the girls that have rivalries with each other.

I now have "Round and Round" stuck in my head (which is entirely my own fault), and I can't wait to see the Scott Baio reality show.

Oh, one last thing for now: does anyone else think that Bret looks kind of exactly like this guy?

Rock of Love: part deux

Rocking out with your cock out is difficult but this week Bret managed to do that successfully. All of the episodes have gotten mixed up in my head so i'm having a hard time distinguishing which one i'm reviewing so I'll just review the parts that i found the most entertaining.

1. the phone sex challenge: the phone sex challenge was more of a chance to see how easy or hard it is to reduce the effects of viagra. The ladies were put on a phone with bret, who was in the other room, and were told to talk to him as they would if he were on tour. bret is clad with messy hair, a smoking jacket, and what looks like silk pajamas. The kicker is that... bret cannot decide for himself whether or not he;s being turned on so they bring in a doctor complete with asterisk at the bottom of the screen saying that in fact he is not a doctor. The doctor then applies a disk that looks ginormous, around brets penis, monitoring how hard he gets as he's talking to the girls. needless to say, panting, talk of british nannies and bad poetry ensue. He admits that he likes being treated like a king. I was definitely shocked by this because he always seemed like the type who liked to have his ass proded with a 10 inch probe, but i guess thats the reason for the show: to learn more about bret michaels, and how he likes to have sex.

2. one of the things that gets me is southern people. i love southern things... except for the rampant racism and occasional incest.. southern culture is so down to earth and friendly. bret does southern culture another disservice.. however his southern accent/charm is still bewilderingly sexy. Actually come to think of it, after the 3rd episode there are only white girls left... but like i said im my last post, i try not to think about things i don't like.

once again i've gotten tired... i'll continue this as things throughout my day continue to remind me of the show.. hopefully i won't be too nautious/happy to post it.

infomercial review #1: The Magic Bullet

Claire, one of our resident infomercial reviewers, has seen the infomercial for the Magic Bullet more times than she can count. Maybe it's due to her love of food, microwave recipes, or maybe it's because she's an insomniac with no homework, we're not really sure. Regardless of the reasons, regardless of the moral consequences, Zenziro invited her in to discuss how much or little she wants the magic bullet for herself or her friends greg and kenze's upcoming wedding present.

here is her story:

Hi ya'll, I have watched The Magic Bullet commercial so many times that I could probably recite every recipe they make in order. I won't do that, though.. because that would just be gratuitous. I will however make a couple of lists:

What did I like about the product:

1. you can make nachos in the microwave with it - I love microwave recipes, especially the kind you can only find in a 1970's microwave user manual. Have you ever thought that you could make thanksgiving dinner in a microwave? I'll post that one in the upcoming recipe section. it only takes 5 days.

2. It comes with color-coded lids for each "bullet" so that when you make drinks each person has their own color filled with popov.

3. You can make Guacamole - granted you can only make about enough for half a baby, but it does look delicious. I was a little disturbed by the fact that they use miniature vegetables to make it look like it fits its in the bullet and there's really no clean-up OR preparation. but i give them some leeway because maybe they live in a town where the vegetables are smaller.

4. You can also make muffins. i hate muffins and i don't really know how they're made but it looked like it only took 20 seconds.. which would free up my time to do things that i never have time for.. I'm constantly spending all of my time making things like pancakes, or breads and i always put off things like taking a virtual tour of mt everest i set up a couple of years ago. (this is just fyi but its amazing what you can do with a couple of Mexican guys from home depot dressed as sherpas, a video camera, and 5 tickets to Tibet.)

5. this is my favorite thing you can do.. you can make alfredo! in the microwave and it only took 30 seconds!
they threw in some noodles which would take about 15 minutes and require clean up, but once again i try to forget things i don't like.

anyway there's more but I'm already getting sidetracked by that sherpa video.
anyway the negative is that it needs more free products like, say, the flavor injector, or some kind of chopper.

review of rock of love(: the love story of bret michaels)

bret michaels, the (aging) lead singer of Poison, has a reality show geared towards finding him a girlfriend. The opinion of our resident reality show critic is that it is really really good. G

ood means a lot of things in the reality world. For our Resident Reality show addict, that means that it has the perfect level of intentional and unintentional irony, sleaze and drama. Sadly, Bret... as unintentionally sleazy as he is, actually seems like a well rounded person. Which I don't think he's a good enough actor to pull off as a fake. This is one of the many things which makes it work.

Anyway... the moral of the story is that you put a bunch of white trash (- although they're not all white*) drunk girls with fake boobs complete with generic tattoos.. which are from a diverse spectrum of cheesy counter cultures.. you get a GREAT show. Especially when you throw in a girl who looks like shes 18, a girl who talks like shes 10, and a 50 yr old "southern lady" who looks like she walked out of a bar on the outskirts of fresno... complete with matching hat, chaps, and some kind of line-dancing skirt. That girl's name is rodeo. Surprise!

moral of the story is... watch it. i have a feeling it's only going to get better.



*this is my homage to affirmative action which has taught me one thing - white trash can affect anyone...and trash just doesn't do it justice.