Red Cabbage

Not only is it essential for Lebanese-style cabbage salad with an unnamed secret ingredient that we've recently discovered, but used in soup creates a very stylish and tasty purple broth. What's even better, though, is that upon placing said soup in the fridge, it began to glow with a red glow only seen in the eyes of a jaguar on the plains of Kenya, and on certain outer moons of Saturn. I'm actually a little bit terrified to open the fridge in the morning knowing that I might live out the plot of Ghostbusters before my Macroeconomics exam... not that that excuse wouldn't get me an automatic A, plus, honestly after selling the movie rights, I could probably just quit school and fulfill my dream of opening a Del Krispy House in Southern California (it's exactly what it sounds like, or if you have no idea what it sounds like, imagine Del Taco, Krispy Kreme and Waffle House all wrapped up into one, with added amenities such as nap rooms, petting zoos and build-your-own-ham-radio stations).

I believe it was This American Life, or one of those more pretentious NPR shows, that did a feature on people giving acceptance speeches should they ever win an Oscar or something of the sort. I've begun writing mine. Assuming that I don't get word tomorrow that I'll be winning some sort of speech-worthy award in the next 2-3 presidential terms, I'll go ahead and debut it here.

This blog entry is over.

5 best animal hybrids

5. hammerhead shark

4. catfish

3. guinea pig

4. the dog broom from alice in wonderland

5. flying squirrel

Open Letter: Fox

Dear Fox,
Whatever happened to Joe Millionaire and Temptation Island? I mean, seriously, did you watch those? That was good shit. How can you do a sequel to Temptation
Island on a boat? I believe this seriously degrades us not only as country but also as a culture. If I want to see peoples' marriages get ruined, or see marriages begin without the bride knowing either the name nor the financial status of the suitor, it should be in a proper setting. C'mon! Do I really want to see a cowboy from Texas trying to convince a bunch of girls he's really a millionaire in a Villa in France when the guy is clearly less cultured than Anna Nicole(God rest her soul!). See what you've done, we're bringing Anna Nicole into this. Even after the tragic way she went. What happened to the woman who wanted to "wash poor people?" There was no one like that on either of the last seasons of Joe Millionaire or Temptation Island. Your reality shows these days are nearly impossible to gamble on; Because, even with money on the line, I can't stand to watch. And I have been known to watch amateur curling attentively when there's money on the line (And that shit's boring). See what I'm getting at?
In Conclusion, unless you can give me a seven letter word for "carving figure heads, for instance" or free copies of Joe Millionaire and Temptation Island on DVD, I might start to notice that Family Guy isn't funny anymore. More importantly, I might tell more than 2 friends.

Love indubidably,
K Phillip Wade
(Dictated but not read)

proposed urban legend: noho

1986 - North Hollywood, CA
a hooker in north hollywood was at Michaels with her employer. He pointed to michael and said... do him. she went. They landed in his 1982 Green Pinto on the corner of Elmer and Victory. She thought he looked too classy to live in a pinto. He surprised her by taking him into his 1 bedroom appartment that he shared with his family. She thought his cousins looked too young for her "charms" but she said "fuck it... I had sex with an 11 yr old last week and he definitely seemed over 15." But instead he took her into his orange shag rug carpetted master bedroom. She was a little turned off by the orange (like most of his former hussies) so he offered her some KY. During their interlude they ended up going through an entire bottle. An hour later they were saying their goodbyes and walking to the door when they noticed one thing was amis: Their hands were both covered in KY jelly. "Fuck!" they thought. "What are we going to do now?" They tried to open the door but they couldn't. The handle was made of 1926 Copper and was completely smooth. They died in that room. And ever since, the one bedroom appartment on the corner of Victory and Elmer has always had the ghost of the wet pussy, running amock, leaving women restless and men very happy.

ps: michaels ghost also serves alcohol at his old bar.

Healthy Resentment: Television (in general)

1. being addicted to the food network but not being able to eat any of it cuz you're a vegetarian

2. ER - how many seasons do they have now? How many times can people have heart attacks? Or... Does anyone really care about those rare diseases they come up with? For me.. being a hypocondriac the last thing i need to hear about are all of the various ways i can die. I think about those enough.

3. Will and Grace and Queer eye for the Straight Guy: haven't we evolved to the point where we don't need to deal with pathetic gay stereotypes?

4. The Celebrity shows that focus on Severly Anorexic or overweight people and documenting their patheticness - how is that celebrity? or entertainment?

5. watching animals slaughter their prey on the discovery channel... yet they take off fine entertainment like "when animals attack." at least that was good quality bad tv.

6. watching lyposuction... anything lyposuction

7. the True Hollywood Story of the Paparrazzi. That was a new low.

8. Deal or No Deal.

9. Cops is always depressing. Why not have people who're excited about getting on Tv? Looking forward to the warm meal in Jail?

10.Tucker Carlson - Someone should make him g-string with a bow tie over his balls. Oh.... that might be difficult.

Engaged, Underage, And Really Fond Of Making Lists That End In 5 or 0

If you haven't seen MTV's show "Engaged and Underage," you should really think about adding it to your Monday schedule. I know that' conlficts with 24, but it's the 90's, and things are available on the internet now. Do it.

Top 10 Things You Think Right Before You Get Married

10. Thank God. I'm sick of being homeless.

9. This is my worst idea yet for trying to remember a girl's last name.

8. Does the RV have gas? Otherwise our honeymoon's gonna be in Mom's driveway.

7. I wonder if the "sexy apron" was a bad gift idea for her.

6. In hindsight, limiting our registry simply to Circus Liquor and Boot Barn probably wasn't a great idea.

5. Finally Dad won't think I'm gay.

4. This is nice! I can't wait to get married again!

3. Is it a bad sign that she's eating the entire cake?

2. Does invisible ink on a pre-nup hold up in court?

1. Crap, now I'll never know what it's like to sleep with a black man.

Lost... what the hell happened?

All right so for those of you who have been obsessed with Lost.. this week was the final straw. I've tried for weeks on end to avoid noticing the plot twists that include painfully obvious toys or gimmicks to use in the upcoming "Lost the final frontier" video game.. I've also tried hopelessly to pretend I'm not watching a danielle steel novel. AND I've avoided noticing that ALL THEY DO IS CREATE MYSTERIES WITH NO CONCLUSIONS... actually scratch that,, just really bad conclusions.

So the moral of the story is.. this will no longer be called my lost diary but instead will be titled, "why lost failed me and everyone else who once believed in the renaisance in television (and cinema)."

So here are my thoughts on this weeks episode:

1. OK so we're sitting here on this boat with Kate and Sawyer and thinking: oh here comes the touching speech about them having sex a couple episodes again... but no... we get Kate talking about wanting to turn the boat around to rescue Jack.
--- Kate.... you just got a boat with a rambling kid who's talking about jesus and jacob and you want to turn it around to rescue Jack with your one man army... OK next topic

2. OO they're getting REALLY creative with throwing in random Jesus topics... didn't see that one coming either... Could it be A CULT?! they need to get a lot more subtle really fast.

3. ok so Jacks having a flashback about Phuket... and low and behold there's Bai Ling.... I looked this bitch up and couldn't find anything that made me think she has any talent and her acting right now isn't doing her any favors. Topic for discussion: what is bai ling famous for? something tells me she has something to do with David Lynch or David Bowie but maybe that's cuz she has crazy hair... Let's keep going...

4. Ooo she taught him to build a kite.. i knew there was a reason she was on this show... Ok so the surgeon who has done things in Medicine no one else has can save a patient from paralysis but can't build a kite.. something tells me lindeloff was sitting around thinking.. I wonder if building a kite would work for a mid-level teaser in a video game?
just a thought.

5. Where's desmond? Why can't we have a psychic back.. that last episode was one of the best things going for this one and theres no desmond? they could've just thrown him in for effect.

6. Ahhh.... she has special powers.... a "gift" if you will... hm something tells me this is going to have a lot to do with cults.

7. UH oh... Juliet my nemesis in my quest to get matthew fox to sleep with me.. is going to jail HAH HAH!!! yesss... finally i can watch this show without puking.. (Sidenote: Juliet is my least favorite character... she was obviously created for soccer mom's to relate to.. Can't you see Teri Hatcher curling up to lost thinking.. that's so me.. I'm so strangely evil like her... oo depth) Yes.. i'm mean... sooo she's in trouble because Jack told on her for trying to kill Henry Gale (aka: Ben).

8. We have a new character who looks almost exactly like the woman that Desmond saw in his dream. I guess she's the "sherrif" hm... I like that she's evil too.. however I'm still bored watching this episode.

9. Jack lies to save Juliet because they have to create some kind of chemistry between the characters.. blah blah blah.. They really shouldve picked someone who wasn't as soccer mommish.. Jack is no soccer dad.

10. I'm just going to skip to the end where I finally did puke. Ok.. so we've got this touching moment where Karl (like KARL MARX!?) is looking up at the stars thinking about Alex (another poorly cast actress who seems a touch too angsty) thinking about the constellation they named called "latin for teddy bear" (who writes this crap). Jack and whats her name are looking at eachother gazing into eachothers eyes... i puke a little in my mouth.. then they touch their finger tips together and i officially puke.

Overall.. I LOST all respect for lost. get it? but I will continue watching on a quest to find out why it is this happened.. and hoping that desmond can bring it all home.

oh and charlie better die otherwise I really will give up on trying to figure out these conspiracies.

American Idol update

AI is once again as enlightening as it is entertaining.
I was only half as disturbed as I have been in recent weeks.
However, commentary by Ryan Seacrest has once again seeped into my dreams.

On a side note I have to give an update on the Los Feliz Indian Sweets and Spices restaurant I go to almost everyday. Avoid todays potatoes. Actually avoid them tomorrow too... They use leftovers.

and now for lost...

Like Abbot and Costello, Without The Gimmicks or Derby Hats

There's a new comedy duo in North Hollywood. I won't say what their names are, nor will I say what their names rhyme with, because that's stupid. Their names don't rhyme with "optical" or "salamander" however, if that helps. Michael's on Oxnard, on Tuesdays, right between the Asian guy who finds himself far too amusing and the girl who finds all other comedians completely unamusing.

thanks dad....

for never doing this.



i'll let you decide if the "never doing this" is referring to the shoving or the videotaping.

open letter to usc

give me a better parking spot.

love,
kevin

thats hot

healthy resentment: sitcoms


1. reba mcintyre

2. friends

3. that ho from king of queens

4. joey - the spinoff

5. malcolm in the middle

6. the michael richards show

7. caroline in the city

------------hold on a second--------------

------Open letter to Nyle,
Nyle you took all of my salsa... i want it back cuz im very hungry.
thank you for your time,
your sister-----------------------


8. the drew carrey show

9. 2 and a half men

10. everybody loves raymond

1man guinea pig parade

first off, you might be wondering.. how is it that you can have a one man guinea pig parade... i know kevin was curious. let's just imagine if we will owning a special loving small doestic rodent.. worthy of being in a parade. now.. let's amplify it.. by 10 million. that is why the guinea pig was worthy of having its own parade.

--------
now on to our next topic and no there will not be 10 million guinea pigs in a one-man guinea pig parade, kevin.

one man is not a guinea pig

no it can not be as man guinea pigs as you want..

and yes i know it is confusing that a man is not a guinea pig but neither is a woman and that never stopped anyone.

overall. i think we can agree that releasing the guinea pig down elmer can be qualified as a parade. regardless of what route it travels

and no we cannot put a balloon on him.. our organization would lose money.

although if anyone would like to donate a 5 cent balloon that says "happy presidents day" OR "happy secrataries day" we will be happy to tie it to the guinea pig at reasonable cost. (1 coors light - in 2 cups)

kevin is putting a v-tech jersey on his coors light as we speak and criticizing my plan for the one-man guinea pig parade... also known as one-world order


kevin will take pictures....

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Healthy Resentment Is...

1) When you finally get paid your rent money two weeks late, and it's in the form of Canadian quarters and already-played McDonald's Monopoly game pieces (actual cash value: one sixteenth of a cent).

2) When the Bigfoot Lounge fails to have an artist's rendition of Bigfoot, the Yeti, The Abominable Snowman, The Chupacabra, or even a standard black bear.

3) When upon completion of The Articulate Executive, you suddenly realize that your executive is not articulate.

4) When the $800 in parking tickets you've paid over the last two years finally come to fruition as the seemingly bottomless pothole outside your house finally gets paved over.

5) When the elation of a fixed road surface immediately dies as you realize that the department of transportation paved over your cat.

6) When after your 19th viewing of Syriana, you still don't totally get it.

7) When your boyfriend tells you that he likes you because you look like Ashlee Simpson, but specifies post-nose job.

8) When you make a run for the border, and the Border does not heed to your "no sour cream" warnings.

9) When earlier discussion of the Abominable Snowman leads to the epiphany that Barak Obama should really be referred to as the Obominable Candidate, and then your subsequent trademark requests get denied.

10) When insatiable desire to purchase $100 tickets to the Police reunion tour forces a carfully budgeted trip to Las Vegas to win ticket money, only to yield $20 less than intended due to poor budgeting and an unscheduled Del Taco stop, and then subsequent return trip leads to losses in excess of $6000.

its official

me and spinach are back together. it's been awhile. ever since the ecoli scare and that other ecoli scare spinach and i have been seeing other people. i ended up eating broccoli and cauliflower and massive amount of potatoes to deal with my pain... but nothing seemed the same... so i wrote a song and spinach came back to me.. this is how it went.

green
the only green machine in my life
green its all i can see
when im eating
you

green
i had a vision i was eating without you
how?
when my green mean iron machine
you are meant for me

green
talked to pop eye
he told me
we had another chance
but spinach pie
all those other guys
weren't the same
without you
broccoli pie
what is that?

spinach
come back
id eat you softly
slowly
i'd swish you around my mouth really fast
and not even smoke any hash....
before hand

OH SPINACH
you're the one
you're the one that i want with my cream
when you're steamed
my little stir fry secret
come home.

if you can read this you don't need glasses

or are already wearing glasses or are sitting dangerously close to your computer. back off, that shit will make you go sterile.

kevin and my recent adventures of the mind

kevin and I... claire k davis... recently embarked on a wild adventure. not through a chocolate starfish.. not through iraq... through our minds.. i love brains.. this one time i was really high and had this idea that i should make an action movie about a naked heartthrob who swings around with a whip and a cowboy hat covering his penis.. i was like.. what would make this better?
thats when it came to me.. monkey brains.
ever since then i decided to create this account. i decided that anything that came out of my brain was gold. kevin being the smartass that he is was like: that movie would make hundreds of dollars had it come out in 1982.
so i quipped back: i wasn't even born doofus
he was like: you shouldnt have been born
then i was like : thats not what your mom says
he was like: your moms so stupid she returned a donut cuz it had a hole
i was like: your moms hole tastes amazing
etc.
anyway eventually we decided to have sex
and this is what spawned from our love making.

ciao

kevin

can you see this kevin? we can see you.........