The Following Takes Place Between 4:39pm and 5:48pm NORTH HOLLYWOOD TIME

4:39 - Last week on 24: the VP is a Dick Cheny clone, Palmer's still under the knife, Gridenko's still at large, and I'm a little bit hungry.

4:40 - Jack's really back in action now that he popped a few hostiles at the end of the last episode. I still find it completely hilarious that the Russian President was JUST FINE with us invading the Russian Consulate in LA.

4:41 - Is the real Russian consulate even in LA?

4:42 - Fayed and Gridenko are fighting. Apparently these terrorists need to have a team-building retreat. Their success so far has been fairly unimpressive. Seriously, a nuke goes off in Valencia? 99% of America has never heard of Valencia. Plus, Magic Mountain is closing anyway.

4:44 - Looks like we have a new character here. I'm not going to like this one.

4:46 - BRANDON ELLIOTT IS CALLING ME. Whether or not you know who he is, you know it'll be important.

4:52 - It wasn't. He wanted to know the tallest mountain in Ecuador. It's Chimborazo at 6300 meters. Fun.

4:54 - Back to 24. Sounds like Nadia was set up and CTU's found evidence to prove it, but NYPD Blue guy (still don't know his name) is going to cover it up because he led the witch hunt against Nadia. What garbage.

4:56 - I love my DVR. No commercials. This is especially useful for stressful shows like 24 where the commercial breaks are agonizing.

4:57 - It's also helpful because you can pause the show when your mom calls.

5:01 - We're back. And so is President Palmer's sister. She's annoying as hell.

5:02 - Karen Hayes still thinks they can wake Palmer out of his coma. Obviously they're going to, because this is TV, but come on. Why didn't they just make him seriously wounded/incapacitated instead of going the whole coma route?

5:05 - The VP I believe just found out that the President has woken up from his coma. He's finally going to lose his stupid "nuke the generic arabs" plan.

5:06 - Now the VP is telling the doctor to sedate the President and put him back in the coma. Hilarious.

5:07 - That new character I mentioned? I think Jack just led an attack on his house and killed him. No wait, he just captured him. I bet this new irrelevant dude will somehow lead to the terrorists all of a sudden.

5:09 - Apparently this dude was having his brother hack into some nuclear power plant's mainframe without realizing what he was doing. What?

5:11 - Apparently this mystery character's brother is autistic and some kind of computer wiz. The guy playing him is also not a very good actor.

5:13 - They're sending the autistic guy on a meet and greet with Gridenko? Not that Jack Bauer's a terribly humane guy, but this sounds incredibly mean-spirited.

5:14 - The NYPD Blue guy's name is Doyle! Finally.

5:15 - Doyle finally fessed up and showed the evidence that Nadia's innocent, but not without a silly argument in the middle of the CTU floor demonstrating some really below-average thespian skills.

5:17 - Now Buchanan's actually trying to convince Nadia to STAY after being abandoned in a holding cell. Somehow I see her turning to the dark side now.

5:18 - Chloe just called Milo out on having a crush on Nadia. This is the last time I really want to even talk about her, because she's an unproductive CTU agent and an unentertaining character.

5:19 - Shit Milo, there's no crying on 24!

5:20 - I'd still love to know what the president traded to China to get Jack out of prison.

5:21 - President Palmer's crashing! Wait, no, he's fine.

5:23 - I can just assume, given how much Jack keeps saying that they need to protect the autistic guy, that he's somehow going to either get shot or taken hostage during this little operation.

5:26 - Wow, he survived and they got Gridenko (and obviously mercilessly shot all of the other Russians). I'm not terribly sure why I actually suspected Jack Bauer would fail at anything. Dude could pass a calculus without even studying.

5:28 - Jack looks troubled again. Jack, stop worrying about Audrey. She died like a year ago. Focus on interrogating Gridenko.

5:29 - Gridenko's already offering to help Jack locate Fayed and the other bombs in exchange for amnesty. They really throw amnesty around on this show a lot.

5:41 - My phone seriously needs to stop rinigng. I'm having second thoughts about emailing every esoteric and b-list celebrity I could think of with my phone number and information on a fascinating financial opportunity involving an exiled price from Nigeria.

5:43 - That remark was unrelated to my phone ringing. My sister is still more of a C-list celebrity.

5:44 - The air strike squadron launching an attack on Arab Nation X is called VICTORY SQUARDRON. Hahahahaha.

5:45 - HA! President Palmer's awake and told VICTORY SQUADRON to stand down! Fuck you Vice President. Palmer's laying down the law.

5:46 - Of course, this probably also means he'll end up dying this season.

5:47 - What a mother fucker. The VP just told the cabinet he needs to assume the presidency because the President isn't thinking clearly. God damn cliffhangers.

-- EPISODE ENDS --

5:48 - Next on FOX News - Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy results are in! What happened? I ddin't record the news. I suppose I could look on, like, every news website on earth.

Next Week On Zenziro: Will Kevin actually watch 24 at its regularly schedule time?