LA City Municipal Softball League Rules, And The Atrocities Therein

My roommate and I joined a softball league, because as we're now in our twenties, it's just one of those things that guys do. We've called our neam "Making Moves" and have lined up a stellar group of assholes as ungifted athletically as us. We received the rule book today. While the fact that it's 56 pages is troubling in and of itself, some of the rules on their own are doubly suspicious.

SECTION 2– THE OBJECTIVE OF EACH TEAM is to win by scoring
more runs than their opponents.

SECTION 3– THE WINNER of the game shall be the team that shall have
scored, in accordance with these rules, the greater number of runs at the
conclusion of a regulation game.

NO WAY!

SECTION 27– THE OFFICIAL BAT shall be round, made of hardwood or
metal, no more than 34 inches long, and no more than 21⁄4 inches in diameter
at its largest part. A tolerance of 1/32nd of an inch is permitted for expansion.
The bat must have a safety grip of cork, tape, or composition material. The
safety grip shall not be less than 10 inches long, and shall not extend more
than 15 inches from the small end of the bat. Bats cannot be altered or
tampered with, including the manufacturer’s labeling.

The rules came with a two page list of banned bats. This is softball! Who gives a shit!

A BATTED BALL is any ball that hits the bat, or is hit by the bat, and
which lands either in fair or foul territory. No intention to hit the ball is
necessary in order for a ball to be declared a batted ball.

Thanks for clearing that up.

SECTION 6– THE PITCHER shall deliver the ball to the batter within 20
seconds after he/she receives the ball.

A time limit? I thought the beauty of baseball and sister sports thereof was that games could go on for days and days.

F. No Participant shall appear on the field of play at any time in an
intoxicated condition, or consume any alcoholic beverage (or use a
controlled substance) while on a recreation facility.

What sport are we playing? Are we in the God damn Olympics here? Doesn't alcohol technically impair your athletic abilities anyway?


This sucks. Now I'm just going to have actually play well.

MAKING MOVES 2K7

Discussion: flies, centipede-style leggy bugs and spiders

we've had an infestation of flies and these centipede style alien bugs. The alien bugs mainly live in the bathroom around the toilet but they also occasionally crawl out when they get hungry for human meat. I have not had a good nights sleep since the infestation happened. In the middle of the night, I freak out and begin to search the beg and my mouth to make sure they haven't crawled in. I also wake up itching and stay itchy pretty much the whole day.. I switch this up with slapping anything that might be in there. Needless to say I'm bruised and red.

This happened once before in a previous house I lived only it was with ants. Ants are creepier because you wonder if they're going to crawl into your vagina looking for something smelly. I mean not that I have a smelly vagina or anything. Really...

I thought that the reason why the flies were popping up was because the maggots finally transformed into the pretty little butterflies they were meant to be, but I never found that dead body I buried under my house (so someone probably ate it).. and likewise I seem to find the flies everywhere I go now.

Anyway.. the main discussion I wanted to bring up was: where did the infestation come from?

Celebrity Blog One-Liner Of The Day

This time from the lippy bunch at A Socialite's Life, concerncing Mary-Kate Olsen's recent departure from NYU because of spies.

All those people peering out through eye holes cut in newspapers must have freaked her ass out. What a loony tune. What the hell were they reporting? How she holds her pen? If she drools on the desk if she falls asleep during a lecture? She's actually still enrolled in NYU but is now concentrating on releasing a clothing line called The Row with her twin troll. I'm picturing a lot of Big Edie and Little Edie. There's some Beale up in there, I know it. Hopefully one of the pieces includes a fake nose and glasses to disguise one from the spies. And maybe an aluminum foil helmet to stop the Martians from broadcasting signals into their crazy heads.

In other news, there's a housefly trying to land in my glass of wine.

Internal Office Memo Of The Day

From the sassy and slightly menacing controller at my office:

This email is directed to the men at Buzznet. Apologizes ladies for the mass email.

Where is the men's bathroom key? There are two sticks and one key. Somebody has gracefully confiscated one of the restroom keys and left an empty stick. Who would do this? More importantly, why do this? Is that bathroom a hot spot, a desired date destination or does it have a skinny mirror that somebody wants all to themselves. I am confused and concerned that there is a key bandit among the Buzznet staff. I will order another key, and most likely send another similar email in a months time. Let's really try hard to focus on keeping the men's restroom key at Buzznet.

Thank you kindly.

Celebrity Blog One-Liner Of The Day

From the entertaining and woefully underappreciated celebslam.com in regards to a story of an eyewitness account of some NYC filming for The Hills where LC apparently needed five reshoots just to place a dinner order:

Five takes? It took five takes to order dinner! F-I-V-E … Is Lauren that retarded? “Lemme see, I’ll have the spaghetti and meatballs with a side of garlic bread AH FUCK SHIT!” “Cut! Lauren, you know we can’t we use that. Take two … Action!” “Lemme see, I’ll have the spaghetti and meatballs and I hate Jews.” “CUT!”

Overly-caffeinated celebrity commentary is always a good time.

Healthy Resentment: Overquoted Movies

In response to this article, which is a valiant effort but clearly shows a bias towards extremely new movies and totally drops the ball by naming 300 as the most obnoxiously overquoted movie (seriously?), I'm making my own list.

Nearly all the movies on this list are movies I am (or at least was, at one point) a fan of, for the record. I'm also just as guilty as anyone else of contributing to this saturation. I've recently tried to steer away from this by quoting Tom Brokaw news broadcasts exclusively. So far, I've only been slapped four times.

10) High Fidelity
9) Airplane!
8) *Old School*
7) Swingers
6) *Anchorman*
5) Star Wars
4) Mean Girls
3) *Monty Python and the Holy Grail*
2) *Napoleon Dynamite*
1) The Big Lebowski
(tie) 1) Office Space

* Asterisk denotes overquoting to the point that I no longer even care for the movie.

Boogie Wonderland

EARTHQUAKE!



I've been here three and a half years, and other than one in Goleta that felt like a slight gust of wind, I've never felt an earthquake. It's about time I lost my floor surfing virginity.

KCAL failed to interrupt their normal late night crap with any news coverage, so I can only assume that no buildings were leveled, much to the chagrin of thousands of elementary school students dreading the looming first day of school.

VMA nominees: Try to tell the difference from last year's list!

Here are the VMA nominees. They look like the high school kids' notebooks who are always debating whether Green Day or Blink 182 would win in a fight. I don't expect much from MTV, but at least they occasionally slip someone kind of cool like Jimmy Eat World into the running. And what the hell is "quadruple threat of the year?" Artist whose label purchased the most advertising packages across MTV, M2, MTVU and MTV Hits? It's hard to imagine an award show less relevant than the Grammy's (although the awards show broadcast is generally pretty entertaining), but I'm going to take a wild guess that Spencer and Heidi from The Hills will be both picking and presenting the winners for this one, proving once and for all how much MTV really just hates the lot of us.

Male Artist of the Year

Akon: "Don't Matter," "I Wanna Love You" (featuring Snoop Dogg), "Smack That" (featuring Eminem)
Kanye West: "Can't Tell Me Nothing," "Stronger," "Classic (Better Than I've Ever Been" — DJ Premier remix, featuring Nas, KRS-One and Rakim)
Justin Timberlake: "Let Me Talk To You/ My Love," "SexyBack" (featuring Timbaland), "What Goes Around ... "
T.I.: "Big Things Poppin' (Do It)," "You Know What It Is" (featuring Wyclef Jean), "What You Know"
Robin Thicke: "Can U Believe," "Lost Without U," "Wanna Love You Girl" (remix, featuring Busta Rhymes and Pharrell)

Female Artist of the Year

Amy Winehouse: "Rehab," "You Know I'm No Good"
Beyoncé: "Irreplaceable," "Beautiful Liar" (featuring Shakira)
Fergie: "Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)," "Glamorous" (featuring Ludacris), "Fergalicious" (featuring Will.I.Am)
Nelly Furtado: "Maneater," "Say It Right"
Rihanna: "Umbrella" (featuring Jay-Z)

Best New Artist

Amy Winehouse: "Rehab," "You Know I'm No Good"
Carrie Underwood: "Before He Cheats"
Gym Class Heroes: "Clothes Off," "Cupid's Chokehold/ Breakfast in America"
Lily Allen: "Alfie," "Smile," "LDN"
Peter Bjorn and John: "Young Folks"

Best Group

Fall Out Boy: "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race," "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs"
Gym Class Heroes: "Clothes Off," "Cupid's Chokehold/ Breakfast in America"
Linkin Park: "What I've Done"
Maroon 5: "Makes Me Wonder"
White Stripes: "Icky Thump"

Most Earthshattering Collaboration

Akon (featuring Eminem): "Smack That"
Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar"
Justin Timberlake (featuring Timbaland): "SexyBack"
Gwen Stefani (featuring Akon): "The Sweet Escape"
U2 (featuring Green Day): "The Saints Are Coming"

Quadruple Threat of the Year

Beyoncé
Bono
Jay-Z
Justin Timberlake
Kanye West

Monster Single of the Year

Avril Lavigne: "Girlfriend"
Daughtry: "Home"
Fall Out Boy: "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs"
Lil Mama: "Lip Gloss (No Music)"
T-Pain (featuring Yung Joc): "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin')"
Timbaland (featuring Keri Hilson, D.O.E. and Sebastian): "The Way I Are"
MIMS: "This Is Why I'm Hot"
Plain White T's: "Hey There, Delilah"
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z): "Umbrella"
Shop Boyz: "Party Like A Rock Star"

Best Director

Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar" (director: Jake Nava)
Christina Aguilera: "Candyman" (directors: Mathew Rolston and Christina Aguilera)
Justin Timberlake: "What Goes Around ..." (director: Samuel Bayer)
Kanye West: "Stronger" (director: Hype Williams)
Linkin Park: "What I've Done" (director: Joseph Hahn)
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z): "Umbrella" (director: Chris Applebaum)

Best Editing in a Video

Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar" (editor: Jarett Figl)
Gnarls Barkley: "Smiley Faces" (editor: Ken Mowe)
Justin Timberlake: "What Goes Around ..." (editor: Hollee Singer)
Kanye West: "Stronger" (editors: Peter Johnson and Corey Weisz)
Linkin Park: "What I've Done" (editor: Igor Kovalik)

Best Choreography in a Video

Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar" (choreographer: Frank Gatson)
Chris Brown: "Wall To Wall" (choreographers: Rich & Tone and Flii Styles)
Ciara: "Like A Boy" (choreographer: Jamaica Craft)
Eve: "Tambourine" (choreographer: Tahesha Scott)
Justin Timberlake (featuring Timbaland): "SexyBack" (choreographer: Marty Kuldeka

Poignant Commentary On The Blackberry Epidemic

JoeOLM: fuck it ill go blackberry haha
JoeOLM: and paint it purple
JoeOLM: and tell people to message me on my Grape