Pop Rocks

pop does rock. I am introducing a new element to the site that exists primarily to discuss the nature and inexplicable ridiculousness of pop culture.

things such as

britney spears
bearforce1
and postings from the et cetera portion of craigslist

more to come...

Rock Of Love Finale

No lies... my eyes got a little watery.

The editing of that episode made it WAY too obvious who was going to win.

This Week's Perplexing Rock Of Love Question

Lacey's dad.

Actor?

The Follow AMAZING News Takes Place Between 7:56pm and 7:56pm, Earth Time

TONY FUCKING ALMEIDA



From the internet:

"News of the death of CTU agent Tony Almeida (played by Carlos Benard) has been greatly exaggerated. When we last saw Almeida, he had apparently been murdered by a terrorist in CTU's infirmary towards the end of season five. However, we never really did see anyone mourn Tony's death, nor did we know that he was unequivocally dead. Bernard returns to 24 for "Day 7" to help Jack Bauer through another hellish day."

For Those On The Julian Calendar

Today is January 1, 2000 for the few nations that remain on the Julian calendar system (which is basically just Ethiopia).

Welcome to the 90's!

Time Alone Is Healing, As Long As There's Bleeding

My trusted and honored accomplice Claire lost a family member today. Beyond the fact that she probably wouldn't want me to address it on a site that's otherwise devoted to un-serious purposes, the greiving process is something that can't be accelerated or muted in any way. Regardless, I'm posting a video from an artist I've been fortunate enough to see live several times and is one of less than three singers to actually bring tears to my eyes live.

Chuck Ragan's later songs in his amazing band Hot Water Music reflected unspeakable pain as he was losing his wife of several years, and his new post-Hot Water Music solo album shows the progression from pain to optimism, while still remaining one of the most real and touching lyricists I've ever encountered.

Since this live video has really iffy (not bad) sound quality, I'm putting the lyrics below. It's worth watching to see one of the most passionate vocalists I've ever had the pleasure of seeing live, particularly as this video crosses the 90-second mark.



Downright hopelessness
When the wrath of consequence comes knocking
On that old front door
And we count the ways,
The seconds have fallen into place with the emptiness
Don't hold the phone

I know some are counting on
God above or methadone to kill the way
And to take away the pain
I feel for the lost
And empathize the cost for calamity
For what I've seen

Open up and wail, open up and cry
We are not the type for young to die
In a rattle cage, heads against the wall
Through dangerous nights
No more lullabies
Open up and wail

We've got what it takes
Everything that needs to make a fighting chance
At carrying the load
Of fallen day to day
Of gruesome cold reality, square in the nose
Bleeding to the toes

Open up and wail, open up and cry
We are not the type for young to die
In a rattle cage, heads against the wall
Through dangerous nights
No more lullabies

Open up and wail, open up and cry
We are not the type for young to die
In a rattle cage, heads against the wall
Through dangerous nights
No more lullabies
Open up and wail

I pour my beer out for your family tonight. Send my thoughts.

LA City Municipal Softball League Rules, And The Atrocities Therein

My roommate and I joined a softball league, because as we're now in our twenties, it's just one of those things that guys do. We've called our neam "Making Moves" and have lined up a stellar group of assholes as ungifted athletically as us. We received the rule book today. While the fact that it's 56 pages is troubling in and of itself, some of the rules on their own are doubly suspicious.

SECTION 2– THE OBJECTIVE OF EACH TEAM is to win by scoring
more runs than their opponents.

SECTION 3– THE WINNER of the game shall be the team that shall have
scored, in accordance with these rules, the greater number of runs at the
conclusion of a regulation game.

NO WAY!

SECTION 27– THE OFFICIAL BAT shall be round, made of hardwood or
metal, no more than 34 inches long, and no more than 21⁄4 inches in diameter
at its largest part. A tolerance of 1/32nd of an inch is permitted for expansion.
The bat must have a safety grip of cork, tape, or composition material. The
safety grip shall not be less than 10 inches long, and shall not extend more
than 15 inches from the small end of the bat. Bats cannot be altered or
tampered with, including the manufacturer’s labeling.

The rules came with a two page list of banned bats. This is softball! Who gives a shit!

A BATTED BALL is any ball that hits the bat, or is hit by the bat, and
which lands either in fair or foul territory. No intention to hit the ball is
necessary in order for a ball to be declared a batted ball.

Thanks for clearing that up.

SECTION 6– THE PITCHER shall deliver the ball to the batter within 20
seconds after he/she receives the ball.

A time limit? I thought the beauty of baseball and sister sports thereof was that games could go on for days and days.

F. No Participant shall appear on the field of play at any time in an
intoxicated condition, or consume any alcoholic beverage (or use a
controlled substance) while on a recreation facility.

What sport are we playing? Are we in the God damn Olympics here? Doesn't alcohol technically impair your athletic abilities anyway?


This sucks. Now I'm just going to have actually play well.

MAKING MOVES 2K7

Discussion: flies, centipede-style leggy bugs and spiders

we've had an infestation of flies and these centipede style alien bugs. The alien bugs mainly live in the bathroom around the toilet but they also occasionally crawl out when they get hungry for human meat. I have not had a good nights sleep since the infestation happened. In the middle of the night, I freak out and begin to search the beg and my mouth to make sure they haven't crawled in. I also wake up itching and stay itchy pretty much the whole day.. I switch this up with slapping anything that might be in there. Needless to say I'm bruised and red.

This happened once before in a previous house I lived only it was with ants. Ants are creepier because you wonder if they're going to crawl into your vagina looking for something smelly. I mean not that I have a smelly vagina or anything. Really...

I thought that the reason why the flies were popping up was because the maggots finally transformed into the pretty little butterflies they were meant to be, but I never found that dead body I buried under my house (so someone probably ate it).. and likewise I seem to find the flies everywhere I go now.

Anyway.. the main discussion I wanted to bring up was: where did the infestation come from?

Celebrity Blog One-Liner Of The Day

This time from the lippy bunch at A Socialite's Life, concerncing Mary-Kate Olsen's recent departure from NYU because of spies.

All those people peering out through eye holes cut in newspapers must have freaked her ass out. What a loony tune. What the hell were they reporting? How she holds her pen? If she drools on the desk if she falls asleep during a lecture? She's actually still enrolled in NYU but is now concentrating on releasing a clothing line called The Row with her twin troll. I'm picturing a lot of Big Edie and Little Edie. There's some Beale up in there, I know it. Hopefully one of the pieces includes a fake nose and glasses to disguise one from the spies. And maybe an aluminum foil helmet to stop the Martians from broadcasting signals into their crazy heads.

In other news, there's a housefly trying to land in my glass of wine.

Internal Office Memo Of The Day

From the sassy and slightly menacing controller at my office:

This email is directed to the men at Buzznet. Apologizes ladies for the mass email.

Where is the men's bathroom key? There are two sticks and one key. Somebody has gracefully confiscated one of the restroom keys and left an empty stick. Who would do this? More importantly, why do this? Is that bathroom a hot spot, a desired date destination or does it have a skinny mirror that somebody wants all to themselves. I am confused and concerned that there is a key bandit among the Buzznet staff. I will order another key, and most likely send another similar email in a months time. Let's really try hard to focus on keeping the men's restroom key at Buzznet.

Thank you kindly.

Celebrity Blog One-Liner Of The Day

From the entertaining and woefully underappreciated celebslam.com in regards to a story of an eyewitness account of some NYC filming for The Hills where LC apparently needed five reshoots just to place a dinner order:

Five takes? It took five takes to order dinner! F-I-V-E … Is Lauren that retarded? “Lemme see, I’ll have the spaghetti and meatballs with a side of garlic bread AH FUCK SHIT!” “Cut! Lauren, you know we can’t we use that. Take two … Action!” “Lemme see, I’ll have the spaghetti and meatballs and I hate Jews.” “CUT!”

Overly-caffeinated celebrity commentary is always a good time.

Healthy Resentment: Overquoted Movies

In response to this article, which is a valiant effort but clearly shows a bias towards extremely new movies and totally drops the ball by naming 300 as the most obnoxiously overquoted movie (seriously?), I'm making my own list.

Nearly all the movies on this list are movies I am (or at least was, at one point) a fan of, for the record. I'm also just as guilty as anyone else of contributing to this saturation. I've recently tried to steer away from this by quoting Tom Brokaw news broadcasts exclusively. So far, I've only been slapped four times.

10) High Fidelity
9) Airplane!
8) *Old School*
7) Swingers
6) *Anchorman*
5) Star Wars
4) Mean Girls
3) *Monty Python and the Holy Grail*
2) *Napoleon Dynamite*
1) The Big Lebowski
(tie) 1) Office Space

* Asterisk denotes overquoting to the point that I no longer even care for the movie.

Boogie Wonderland

EARTHQUAKE!



I've been here three and a half years, and other than one in Goleta that felt like a slight gust of wind, I've never felt an earthquake. It's about time I lost my floor surfing virginity.

KCAL failed to interrupt their normal late night crap with any news coverage, so I can only assume that no buildings were leveled, much to the chagrin of thousands of elementary school students dreading the looming first day of school.

VMA nominees: Try to tell the difference from last year's list!

Here are the VMA nominees. They look like the high school kids' notebooks who are always debating whether Green Day or Blink 182 would win in a fight. I don't expect much from MTV, but at least they occasionally slip someone kind of cool like Jimmy Eat World into the running. And what the hell is "quadruple threat of the year?" Artist whose label purchased the most advertising packages across MTV, M2, MTVU and MTV Hits? It's hard to imagine an award show less relevant than the Grammy's (although the awards show broadcast is generally pretty entertaining), but I'm going to take a wild guess that Spencer and Heidi from The Hills will be both picking and presenting the winners for this one, proving once and for all how much MTV really just hates the lot of us.

Male Artist of the Year

Akon: "Don't Matter," "I Wanna Love You" (featuring Snoop Dogg), "Smack That" (featuring Eminem)
Kanye West: "Can't Tell Me Nothing," "Stronger," "Classic (Better Than I've Ever Been" — DJ Premier remix, featuring Nas, KRS-One and Rakim)
Justin Timberlake: "Let Me Talk To You/ My Love," "SexyBack" (featuring Timbaland), "What Goes Around ... "
T.I.: "Big Things Poppin' (Do It)," "You Know What It Is" (featuring Wyclef Jean), "What You Know"
Robin Thicke: "Can U Believe," "Lost Without U," "Wanna Love You Girl" (remix, featuring Busta Rhymes and Pharrell)

Female Artist of the Year

Amy Winehouse: "Rehab," "You Know I'm No Good"
Beyoncé: "Irreplaceable," "Beautiful Liar" (featuring Shakira)
Fergie: "Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)," "Glamorous" (featuring Ludacris), "Fergalicious" (featuring Will.I.Am)
Nelly Furtado: "Maneater," "Say It Right"
Rihanna: "Umbrella" (featuring Jay-Z)

Best New Artist

Amy Winehouse: "Rehab," "You Know I'm No Good"
Carrie Underwood: "Before He Cheats"
Gym Class Heroes: "Clothes Off," "Cupid's Chokehold/ Breakfast in America"
Lily Allen: "Alfie," "Smile," "LDN"
Peter Bjorn and John: "Young Folks"

Best Group

Fall Out Boy: "This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race," "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs"
Gym Class Heroes: "Clothes Off," "Cupid's Chokehold/ Breakfast in America"
Linkin Park: "What I've Done"
Maroon 5: "Makes Me Wonder"
White Stripes: "Icky Thump"

Most Earthshattering Collaboration

Akon (featuring Eminem): "Smack That"
Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar"
Justin Timberlake (featuring Timbaland): "SexyBack"
Gwen Stefani (featuring Akon): "The Sweet Escape"
U2 (featuring Green Day): "The Saints Are Coming"

Quadruple Threat of the Year

Beyoncé
Bono
Jay-Z
Justin Timberlake
Kanye West

Monster Single of the Year

Avril Lavigne: "Girlfriend"
Daughtry: "Home"
Fall Out Boy: "Thnks Fr Th Mmrs"
Lil Mama: "Lip Gloss (No Music)"
T-Pain (featuring Yung Joc): "Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin')"
Timbaland (featuring Keri Hilson, D.O.E. and Sebastian): "The Way I Are"
MIMS: "This Is Why I'm Hot"
Plain White T's: "Hey There, Delilah"
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z): "Umbrella"
Shop Boyz: "Party Like A Rock Star"

Best Director

Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar" (director: Jake Nava)
Christina Aguilera: "Candyman" (directors: Mathew Rolston and Christina Aguilera)
Justin Timberlake: "What Goes Around ..." (director: Samuel Bayer)
Kanye West: "Stronger" (director: Hype Williams)
Linkin Park: "What I've Done" (director: Joseph Hahn)
Rihanna (featuring Jay-Z): "Umbrella" (director: Chris Applebaum)

Best Editing in a Video

Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar" (editor: Jarett Figl)
Gnarls Barkley: "Smiley Faces" (editor: Ken Mowe)
Justin Timberlake: "What Goes Around ..." (editor: Hollee Singer)
Kanye West: "Stronger" (editors: Peter Johnson and Corey Weisz)
Linkin Park: "What I've Done" (editor: Igor Kovalik)

Best Choreography in a Video

Beyoncé and Shakira: "Beautiful Liar" (choreographer: Frank Gatson)
Chris Brown: "Wall To Wall" (choreographers: Rich & Tone and Flii Styles)
Ciara: "Like A Boy" (choreographer: Jamaica Craft)
Eve: "Tambourine" (choreographer: Tahesha Scott)
Justin Timberlake (featuring Timbaland): "SexyBack" (choreographer: Marty Kuldeka

Poignant Commentary On The Blackberry Epidemic

JoeOLM: fuck it ill go blackberry haha
JoeOLM: and paint it purple
JoeOLM: and tell people to message me on my Grape

Rock Of Love Redux

Thanks to Time Warner On Demand, I've been able to catch up on Rock Of Love, featuring Bret Michaels (one of the few remaining hair metal celebrities to not get their own reality show - I think this leaves only Stephen Pearcy of Ratt, who I assume would be holding out for some sort of reality show involving time traveling back to the late 80's where people remember anything by his band other than "Round and Round").

My favorite part so far: the scene where Bret takes three girls to Jim Henson studios to watch Bret record an "actual track" with Dave Was, who, even as old producers go, looks creepy (imagine Rick Rubin with dreads). Each of the three, thanks to the magic of the autotuner, is allowed by Bret to sing on the track. My favorite quote was from the one who, after singing and expressing how amazing the experience was, exclaimed "it's almost like we were in tune together!"

I think Bret has more headbands than Pete Wentz has hoodies. The best fashion moment, however, is the gigantic spotted cowhide (or possibly dalmation fur) robe he wears during the second elimination round. He looks like a walking Gateway logo.

Claire covered the phone sex challenge marvelously, but I have to mention that all I could think of the whole time was that old episode of Loveline where the phone sex operator called in because she wanted to know how to get guys to stay on the line longer, and Adam told her to start just mentioning the Holocaust to "slow them down," and she didn't even know what the Holocaust was. Anyway....

What a shock that he keeps all the girls that have rivalries with each other.

I now have "Round and Round" stuck in my head (which is entirely my own fault), and I can't wait to see the Scott Baio reality show.

Oh, one last thing for now: does anyone else think that Bret looks kind of exactly like this guy?

Rock of Love: part deux

Rocking out with your cock out is difficult but this week Bret managed to do that successfully. All of the episodes have gotten mixed up in my head so i'm having a hard time distinguishing which one i'm reviewing so I'll just review the parts that i found the most entertaining.

1. the phone sex challenge: the phone sex challenge was more of a chance to see how easy or hard it is to reduce the effects of viagra. The ladies were put on a phone with bret, who was in the other room, and were told to talk to him as they would if he were on tour. bret is clad with messy hair, a smoking jacket, and what looks like silk pajamas. The kicker is that... bret cannot decide for himself whether or not he;s being turned on so they bring in a doctor complete with asterisk at the bottom of the screen saying that in fact he is not a doctor. The doctor then applies a disk that looks ginormous, around brets penis, monitoring how hard he gets as he's talking to the girls. needless to say, panting, talk of british nannies and bad poetry ensue. He admits that he likes being treated like a king. I was definitely shocked by this because he always seemed like the type who liked to have his ass proded with a 10 inch probe, but i guess thats the reason for the show: to learn more about bret michaels, and how he likes to have sex.

2. one of the things that gets me is southern people. i love southern things... except for the rampant racism and occasional incest.. southern culture is so down to earth and friendly. bret does southern culture another disservice.. however his southern accent/charm is still bewilderingly sexy. Actually come to think of it, after the 3rd episode there are only white girls left... but like i said im my last post, i try not to think about things i don't like.

once again i've gotten tired... i'll continue this as things throughout my day continue to remind me of the show.. hopefully i won't be too nautious/happy to post it.

infomercial review #1: The Magic Bullet

Claire, one of our resident infomercial reviewers, has seen the infomercial for the Magic Bullet more times than she can count. Maybe it's due to her love of food, microwave recipes, or maybe it's because she's an insomniac with no homework, we're not really sure. Regardless of the reasons, regardless of the moral consequences, Zenziro invited her in to discuss how much or little she wants the magic bullet for herself or her friends greg and kenze's upcoming wedding present.

here is her story:

Hi ya'll, I have watched The Magic Bullet commercial so many times that I could probably recite every recipe they make in order. I won't do that, though.. because that would just be gratuitous. I will however make a couple of lists:

What did I like about the product:

1. you can make nachos in the microwave with it - I love microwave recipes, especially the kind you can only find in a 1970's microwave user manual. Have you ever thought that you could make thanksgiving dinner in a microwave? I'll post that one in the upcoming recipe section. it only takes 5 days.

2. It comes with color-coded lids for each "bullet" so that when you make drinks each person has their own color filled with popov.

3. You can make Guacamole - granted you can only make about enough for half a baby, but it does look delicious. I was a little disturbed by the fact that they use miniature vegetables to make it look like it fits its in the bullet and there's really no clean-up OR preparation. but i give them some leeway because maybe they live in a town where the vegetables are smaller.

4. You can also make muffins. i hate muffins and i don't really know how they're made but it looked like it only took 20 seconds.. which would free up my time to do things that i never have time for.. I'm constantly spending all of my time making things like pancakes, or breads and i always put off things like taking a virtual tour of mt everest i set up a couple of years ago. (this is just fyi but its amazing what you can do with a couple of Mexican guys from home depot dressed as sherpas, a video camera, and 5 tickets to Tibet.)

5. this is my favorite thing you can do.. you can make alfredo! in the microwave and it only took 30 seconds!
they threw in some noodles which would take about 15 minutes and require clean up, but once again i try to forget things i don't like.

anyway there's more but I'm already getting sidetracked by that sherpa video.
anyway the negative is that it needs more free products like, say, the flavor injector, or some kind of chopper.

review of rock of love(: the love story of bret michaels)

bret michaels, the (aging) lead singer of Poison, has a reality show geared towards finding him a girlfriend. The opinion of our resident reality show critic is that it is really really good. G

ood means a lot of things in the reality world. For our Resident Reality show addict, that means that it has the perfect level of intentional and unintentional irony, sleaze and drama. Sadly, Bret... as unintentionally sleazy as he is, actually seems like a well rounded person. Which I don't think he's a good enough actor to pull off as a fake. This is one of the many things which makes it work.

Anyway... the moral of the story is that you put a bunch of white trash (- although they're not all white*) drunk girls with fake boobs complete with generic tattoos.. which are from a diverse spectrum of cheesy counter cultures.. you get a GREAT show. Especially when you throw in a girl who looks like shes 18, a girl who talks like shes 10, and a 50 yr old "southern lady" who looks like she walked out of a bar on the outskirts of fresno... complete with matching hat, chaps, and some kind of line-dancing skirt. That girl's name is rodeo. Surprise!

moral of the story is... watch it. i have a feeling it's only going to get better.



*this is my homage to affirmative action which has taught me one thing - white trash can affect anyone...and trash just doesn't do it justice.

Culture

I just saw a Depeche Mode cover band at an Irish Pub in Mexico City. My sidekick Tyler and I were the only Americans in the place. It was eerie and absolutely amazing. We must have found the only bar in all of Mexico that doesn't sell Corona. Also, cigarettes cost less than $2 a pack in Mexico City. Good luck quitting, Kevin.

Kevin's Review Of Marie Antoinette

Let them eat cake? More like... let them eat mediocrity!

I made that up.

as i was just saying about mr blair

or "bambi" as he's nicknamed...



he used to be cool
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070509/ap_on_re_eu/farewell_to_blair

now he sucks..

healthy resentment:

1. uranus not being pronounced as it should be

2. the summer weather in winter is actually just frightening

3. there are no benefits to working next to the department of water and power.... actually they just steal your parking spots

4. to make 16 dollars an hour you have to pay 12 dollars to park... calculating to a massive paycheck of 14.50 an hour. wtf?

5. after not drinking hard alcohol for awhile, i had a recent bender where i was drinking jim beam from the bottle. This in turn gave me a sore throat. how is this sore throat THAT different than people who have strep? and why can't i call in sick?

6. parking karma - where does it come from? and how can i buy some?

7. when everyone already knows your funniest joke. (and all of the variations you tell it)

8. when you realize your funniest joke wasn't even that funny to begin with.

9. when spiderman 3 takes in 200 million its first weekend and its the most ridiculous shit ever made.

10. figuring that you can create a blog (thats also a magazine) and turn it into 400 million dollars cuz its 10 times better than spiderman.

healthy resentment:

1. uranus not being pronounced as it should be

2. the summer weather in winter is actually just frightening

3. there are no benefits to working next to the department of water and power.... actually they just steal your parking spots

4. to make 16 dollars an hour you have to pay 12 dollars to park... calculating to a massive paycheck of 14.50 an hour. wtf?

5. after not drinking hard alcohol for awhile, i had a recent bender where i was drinking jim beam from the bottle. This in turn gave me a sore throat. how is this sore throat THAT different than people who have strep? and why can't i call in sick?

6. parking karma - where does it come from? and how can i buy some?

7. when everyone already knows your funniest joke. (and all of the variations you tell it)

8. when you realize your funniest joke wasn't even that funny to begin with.

9. when spiderman 3 takes in 200 million its first weekend and its the most ridiculous shit ever made.

10. figuring that you can create a blog (thats also a magazine) and turn it into 400 million dollars cuz its 10 times better than spiderman.

Remember When 24 Was Awesome?

I haven't paid much attention to 24 recently, because the plot no longer manages to supercede the whole "propaganda for insensitive americans" bent, but I'm too far into the season now to not push forward. I'd just like to voice my opinion that the plot of this season has become so illogical and, at times, downright boring, that the show that used to be so stressful that it forced you to chain smoke is now the show that just makes you want to quit smoking altogether.

They already killed off Curtis, who is the most recent in a long line of great characters to suffer untimely deaths, Jack's barely gotten into any shootouts, most of the staff at CTU are bumbling idiots (other than Chloe, who's turning into one), the guy from NYPD Blue is lame, the Presidency has been usurped for like the 3rd time in 6 seasons and, above all, I need a nap.

Remember the "where's my wife?" scene from season 1? What happened to that 24?

short and sweet reviews of movies no one cares about: the queen and little children

i took a chance on little children.. i liked all of the actors from their different roles.. mainly the one from angels in america. i forget his name.. but he was phenomenal at being mormon.

review: it was ok... it was narrated which i didn't like. showed the monotony of marriage and the shittiness (sp?) of surburbia. of course i was most impressed with the child molestor who at the end of the movie chops off his own penis. i dunno it's one of those movies that as you're watching you're bored with but happen to end up thinking about for the next few days. so i'll give it a "D" for digestive.

The Queen- by snooty british people who care far too much about something not that giant that happened not that long ago.

don't get me wrong Princess Diana did a lot of really amazing things especially for people with AIDS. But at the same time she was a 'lady of the tabloids' who had a ridiculously wealthy lifestyle. i've read a lot of things that talked about how she was completely bi-polar and would freak out regularly. not to say that us insane folks don't deserve love.. i just don't think it's that important.
so... the queen's a quiet lady who's obviously old fashioned and is accustomed to not showing emotion. thats basically the plot of the entire movie.. oh and tony blair who everyone can't get enough of.. fighting with her to acknowledge the people who are grieving for diana.

i dont like blair... if anything it just made me madder at him because at one time he actually cared about the middle and lower classes....

oh well

i give this a "W" for whatever you upper class snooty british sassholes who care too much about dumb things like the monarchy

in other news....

the movie "what women want" staring mel gibson was on tv this weekend. the story is about a guy who can read women's thoughts and thus becomes the perfect man whore.


yes the jesus christ of all media, mel gibson is what i've been wanting all this time. mel gibson, you dawg you.

giving new meaning to the words "bad writing"

lost...
lost lost lost...
it would be too easy to make the obvious jokes that they've "lost" their way etc.. so i won't go there. i'll just say one thing: i fell asleep while i was watching lost this wednesday.
granted i had gone on a jim beam bender that ended in tears but regardless i still managed to get up, turn on the tv and was still cognizent enough to know that lost had once again failed me.

lost lost lost
why oh why oh why

TFBPTPB9PMA10PMNHT

That's short for.... you get it.

Let's keep this one short because I have homework.

Fayed dies, Jack recovers the nukes and saves the world, all while Palmer goes more and more insane. All is right with the world and they could end the season, but then we have to find out Audrey's still alive and captive in China. Unless Jack plans on instantly teleporting to China, there aren't enough episodes in the season for him to get there. I don't get it.

Sopranos and Entourage Premiers in 17 Syllables

Sopranos:

So so sooooo boring.
Tony/Bobby fight was lame.
Where was the action?

Entourage:

Piven's on fire.
Season's shaping up to rule.
Going to bed now.


Side note: The Sopranos have the best press photos ever. Remember this one?

The following blog entry takes place between 9:05pm and 9:58pm, NORTH HOLLYWOOD TIME.

9:05 - Previously on Zenziro: Kevin complains about a lot of stuff and tries to be funny.

9:06 - Whoa, this week is actually from 9pm to 10pm. IT'S LIKE I'M REALLY THERE.

9:07 - Palmer's refusing to be president from a wheelchair. He was president from a coma for the last few hours, so I don't see what his beef is.

9:10 - Kevin's roommate demands that the episode be restarted. As such, this blog entry will be restarted.

9:11 - Previously on 24 - I think the president woke up and they caught the Russian guy. I only really pay attention when Jack Bauer's shooting people.

9:12 - Whoa, this week is actually from 9pm to 10pm. IT'S LIKE I'M REALLY THERE (plus 10 minutes, but we'll catch up after a commercial break or two).

9:13 - Palmer's refusing to be president from a wheelchair. He was president from a coma for the last few hours, so I don't see what his beef is.

9:14 - There are bums rooting through our recycling bin, and there's a French guy on our patio wearing a tin foil hat. Jack isn't currently shooting anyone, but he appears to be on a cell phone with CTU. You know what I find amusing about this is that the CIA has a stauch opposition to the use of cell phones due to the ease of wiretapping, and I know for certain that the amount cell phones are used in the White House in this show isn't even remotely in line with reality.

9:16 - The 25th amendment is apparently being invoked. It involves the VP basically assuming the duties of the President when the cabinet votes to WHOA ROOMMATES ARE TALKING THIS IS ANNOYING PAUSE PAUSE PAUSE

9:17 - The stitches on Palmer's face don't look even remotely real. Who's in charge of makeup on this show?

9:18 - I can't believe it's not even halfway through 2007 and Hillary Clinton's raised 26 million dollars. I wonder why the Obominable Candidate hasn't announced his intake so far.

9:20 - I finally remembered NYPD Blue guy's character. It's DOYLE. DOYLE. He seems to be attempting to apologize to Nadia, but starting an apology with "I'm not a racist, but..." isn't the best strategy.

9:21 - Doyle think's Milo's the bad one now. That's what I'm saying!

9:22 - The cabinet convenes to determine if Palmer's fit to be prez. Of course the vote is 7 to 7. VP needs a majority, so Palmer's good.

9:23 - Oh right, Karen Hayes resigned, so her vote didn't count. I sense a commercial break at the peak of this compelling argument between the VP and Prez.

9:25 - This is going to the Supreme court? Remember the first season of 24 when it was all action and shit?

9:26 - After two skipped commercial breaks, we now appear to officially be in REAL TIME. Thus far, I've been rather disappointed with this episode of 24. Jack's gotten about 4 seconds of camera time.

9:29 - Still no Jack. I'm rather over the marital drama between Hayes and Buchanan. Remember in season 3 when Jack chopped off his partner's arm?

9:30 - Finally. Jack's back on camera. Gridenko claims to be giving up Fayed, but if my education has taught me anything, Russians with beards and gravely fake accents can be rather shifty.

9:33 - Why did Palmer make this douchebag his running mate? This is the second President Palmer to have a rotten VP.

9:34 - The VP's secretary is apparently willing to lie in front of the Supreme Court so that the VP gains control... and she justifies it by quoting Machiavelli? Garbage. You should be quoting, like, some guy that sucks.

9:36 - HAHAHA. That conversation was totally tapped! Booya. The VP is going down hard, unless there's some sort of crazy fistfight here (which might be pretty bad ass).

9:38 - Lennox is really coming around. He was a real squirrely bastard when the season started. He's no George Mason, but I got respect.

9:40 - Palmer was just informed of the vote, and withdrew the attack on unnamed country possibly ending in -stan. It's about time. Let's get back to what Jack Bauer's doing already!

9:41 - They dumped Gridenko at the Santa Monica pier to meet with Fayed. Mark that as part of my 24 reality tour.

9:43 - Nothing's really happening except for 3 minutes of intense music.

9:44 - Here we go. Gridenko's getting kidnapped by Fayed's lackies. Not surprisingly, they figured out that Gridenko was followed. Jack's about to bust in and clean house.

9:45 - HAHAHA. Gridenko had his arm cut off, and that's why Jack can't find him. Remember that scene in Star Wars where that alien gets his arm lightsabered off? It looked just as realistic.

-- COMMERCIAL (Are you smarter than a 5th grader looks like an absolutely terrible show, and what happens if someone actually goes on there and demolishes one of the 5th graders? I realize it's probably like that movie Quiz Show where it's rigged, but what if that happens? It'll totally ruin that kid's life. Not enough people are paying attention to the social and developmental ramifications of this show.) --

9:50 - Finally some shooting. Sheesh.

9:51 - Jack has two kills. Should be at least one or two more coming. Fayed's in some bar shooting people, and the rest of the people started WAIT... Jack just kicked Fayed in the face and told him to shut up. This episode has redeemed itself.

9:53 - Palmer's not looking so good. Those adrenaline shots only work for so long.

9:54 - Gridenko apparently escaped to the beach and is now lumbering armless along the beach. I don't see this lasting long. Oh, yup. He just passed out in the ocean.

9:55 - Hayes and Lennox are having a mushy truce moment.

9:56 - WTF. Palmer just greenlighted (greenlit?) the nuke! This is going to bother me all god damn week. There's no way this gets resolved in the next 30 seconds.

9:57 - Episode's over. FUCK. This is remarkably bizarre. I can't even think of a good adverb to modify my adjectives right now because I'm just dying to know what happens now.

NEXT WEEK ON ZENZIRO: Does 24 quit the drama path and go back to non-stop action? Does Kevin lose sleep over the betrayal of the Palmer family name? Is it annoying to hear me use the 3rd person? All this and more, next week on the internet.

Healthy Resentment

1) When you're excited because someone you know quotes a movie or tv show you love, but you know it so well that you get absolutely furious that they've slightly messed up the words or the delivery and therefore feel the need to angrily correct them.

2) When you're so perturbed by having to attend class on a saturday morning that you actually turn down the offer for a free mimosa from your classmates.

3) When, while recognizing the stress-relieving benefits of Parliament Lights, your monthly credit card statement lists 14 different $4.50 transactions from convenience stores.

4) When the accomplishment of a free ticket on a single lotto scratcher sparks remarkable enthusiasm, despite spending $10 on four different ones.

5) When running over an orange hampers the functionality of your lawn mower, but the refreshing smell of oranges helps you remember that you'd borrowed the lawnmower from your neighbor anyway.

6) When you just aren't quite satisfied with the look and feel of your myspace page.

7) When websudoku.com reports that you've done over 20 puzzles in one day, but for some reason you refuse to move from "easy" to "medium" on the skill ladder.

8) When your sister decides to move to Cleveland.

9) When others seem either skeptical or entirely unimpressed with the irony of your tale of being late to your best friend's wedding because you were in line purchasing "Time management for dummies."

10) When, after hosting a keg party, your house somehow seems cleaner than it did a week previous.

The Following Takes Place Between 4:39pm and 5:48pm NORTH HOLLYWOOD TIME

4:39 - Last week on 24: the VP is a Dick Cheny clone, Palmer's still under the knife, Gridenko's still at large, and I'm a little bit hungry.

4:40 - Jack's really back in action now that he popped a few hostiles at the end of the last episode. I still find it completely hilarious that the Russian President was JUST FINE with us invading the Russian Consulate in LA.

4:41 - Is the real Russian consulate even in LA?

4:42 - Fayed and Gridenko are fighting. Apparently these terrorists need to have a team-building retreat. Their success so far has been fairly unimpressive. Seriously, a nuke goes off in Valencia? 99% of America has never heard of Valencia. Plus, Magic Mountain is closing anyway.

4:44 - Looks like we have a new character here. I'm not going to like this one.

4:46 - BRANDON ELLIOTT IS CALLING ME. Whether or not you know who he is, you know it'll be important.

4:52 - It wasn't. He wanted to know the tallest mountain in Ecuador. It's Chimborazo at 6300 meters. Fun.

4:54 - Back to 24. Sounds like Nadia was set up and CTU's found evidence to prove it, but NYPD Blue guy (still don't know his name) is going to cover it up because he led the witch hunt against Nadia. What garbage.

4:56 - I love my DVR. No commercials. This is especially useful for stressful shows like 24 where the commercial breaks are agonizing.

4:57 - It's also helpful because you can pause the show when your mom calls.

5:01 - We're back. And so is President Palmer's sister. She's annoying as hell.

5:02 - Karen Hayes still thinks they can wake Palmer out of his coma. Obviously they're going to, because this is TV, but come on. Why didn't they just make him seriously wounded/incapacitated instead of going the whole coma route?

5:05 - The VP I believe just found out that the President has woken up from his coma. He's finally going to lose his stupid "nuke the generic arabs" plan.

5:06 - Now the VP is telling the doctor to sedate the President and put him back in the coma. Hilarious.

5:07 - That new character I mentioned? I think Jack just led an attack on his house and killed him. No wait, he just captured him. I bet this new irrelevant dude will somehow lead to the terrorists all of a sudden.

5:09 - Apparently this dude was having his brother hack into some nuclear power plant's mainframe without realizing what he was doing. What?

5:11 - Apparently this mystery character's brother is autistic and some kind of computer wiz. The guy playing him is also not a very good actor.

5:13 - They're sending the autistic guy on a meet and greet with Gridenko? Not that Jack Bauer's a terribly humane guy, but this sounds incredibly mean-spirited.

5:14 - The NYPD Blue guy's name is Doyle! Finally.

5:15 - Doyle finally fessed up and showed the evidence that Nadia's innocent, but not without a silly argument in the middle of the CTU floor demonstrating some really below-average thespian skills.

5:17 - Now Buchanan's actually trying to convince Nadia to STAY after being abandoned in a holding cell. Somehow I see her turning to the dark side now.

5:18 - Chloe just called Milo out on having a crush on Nadia. This is the last time I really want to even talk about her, because she's an unproductive CTU agent and an unentertaining character.

5:19 - Shit Milo, there's no crying on 24!

5:20 - I'd still love to know what the president traded to China to get Jack out of prison.

5:21 - President Palmer's crashing! Wait, no, he's fine.

5:23 - I can just assume, given how much Jack keeps saying that they need to protect the autistic guy, that he's somehow going to either get shot or taken hostage during this little operation.

5:26 - Wow, he survived and they got Gridenko (and obviously mercilessly shot all of the other Russians). I'm not terribly sure why I actually suspected Jack Bauer would fail at anything. Dude could pass a calculus without even studying.

5:28 - Jack looks troubled again. Jack, stop worrying about Audrey. She died like a year ago. Focus on interrogating Gridenko.

5:29 - Gridenko's already offering to help Jack locate Fayed and the other bombs in exchange for amnesty. They really throw amnesty around on this show a lot.

5:41 - My phone seriously needs to stop rinigng. I'm having second thoughts about emailing every esoteric and b-list celebrity I could think of with my phone number and information on a fascinating financial opportunity involving an exiled price from Nigeria.

5:43 - That remark was unrelated to my phone ringing. My sister is still more of a C-list celebrity.

5:44 - The air strike squadron launching an attack on Arab Nation X is called VICTORY SQUARDRON. Hahahahaha.

5:45 - HA! President Palmer's awake and told VICTORY SQUADRON to stand down! Fuck you Vice President. Palmer's laying down the law.

5:46 - Of course, this probably also means he'll end up dying this season.

5:47 - What a mother fucker. The VP just told the cabinet he needs to assume the presidency because the President isn't thinking clearly. God damn cliffhangers.

-- EPISODE ENDS --

5:48 - Next on FOX News - Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy results are in! What happened? I ddin't record the news. I suppose I could look on, like, every news website on earth.

Next Week On Zenziro: Will Kevin actually watch 24 at its regularly schedule time?

We're Official.

Look for these (without the extraneous text in the middle) randomly sitting in bathroom stalls throughout the greater Los Angeles area. You'll then know that the bathroom you're occupying was graced by genius.

Healthy Resentment

1. When you have to wake up early, and realize that you've gone to bed a bit too late, and therefore can't sleep at all becuase all you think about as you lay in bed is what time you need to wake up.

2. When you think of something that you think you resent in a healthy manner, then realize you basically just resent it altogether.

3. When you're so excited and pleased with your $4 frozen pizza purchase at Target that you end up rapidly consuming the entire thing.

4. When your full name is comprised of normally-accepted first names, and thus encounter people that call you by your last name thinking that it's your first name.

5. When said people fail to appreciate your response of "what do you think my last name is?"

6. When you watch a basketball game on TV, yelling incessantly at the players as if you could somehow perform better than they can.

7. When you sink the 9-ball on a break, then look around and remember that you're playing pool by yourself.

8. When you receive your monthly phone bill and realize that your bill has increased exponentionally due to your "early and often" philosophy to American Idol voting.

9. When you suddenly notice that you have an appropriate Simpsons quote for literally any situation you encounter in daily life.

10. When the clerk at Circus Liquor store ceases to adhere to the store's strict ID policy for your purchases because he knows you that well.

lost diary - 03-21-07 - Why Locke was in a wheelchair

First off, last week I had decided that I had given up on lost. After countless episodes of 'blue cheese' that always involved slow motion, bad synth music and 'thank god we're together' looks, i decided the show had finally and completely sold out. This was helpful because that would free up enough time to watch real world. Sadly... lost sucked me in for one last round and low and behold.. it was really good.

I know what you're thinking... "That's just relational non-suckage.. fucking lost has been awful for the last 3 weeks(arguably this whole last year) and now that a reasonably OK episode has come on, you actually think it was good."

I get that.. and yes, that is a very good explanation. Regaurdless, I would like to go into a few highlights.


for ince... there's talk of a magic box!
i always thought the only magic that came out of a box was in my pants... but no.
now it's on a soundstage in hawaii too. ridiculous line of the week: "it can create anything you want. you just have to think about it and it's there."

2. jack is so hot when he plays piano.... goddamn i love that man

3. The others supposedly have a submarine! HAH! Ben lets the others believe that they have the freedom to leave the island, which ironically keeps them from leaving.
true in so many ways. freedom begets complacency. when people realize they're not free they rebel.
bam!

4. goddamn jack's hot.. he's talking to kate all sexy-like... HE's GOING TO COME BACK FOR HER... yessss.... tap that shit biatch.

5. locke is going to blow up the submarine?! no no and no. this just reitterates that locke is the person who orchestrated this whole shpeal from the beginning.
WHAT IDIOT WOULD BLOW UP THE ONLY THING THAT COULD GET THEM OFF THE ISLAND?!
the leaders.. that's right.

6. flashback for locke... his dad killed a kid who discovered he was an asshole. locke gets a visit from the cops.. finds out kid is dead... goes to see daddy... daddy throws locke out of an 8 story building. duh...

7. BEST PART ALERT...... how did locke get out of the wheelchair? why is ben still in one?
dharma = truth in nature
living a natural life produces amazing things? like unbreaking your back?
ben living a surburban life while trying to pretend its natural limits his ability to take part in the magic box. (in my pants)
lastly... doesn't this just point out another very important point.. if we try and restart humanity and return to the point where we're not conditioned by society, we inevitably end up creating the same thing we have now..
you can't just take the surburban out of the man.. kids.

er.. i'm late for work..
i'll figure out something more legible later
BAM

Spam Subject Of The Month

I received a spam e-mail regarding some stupid fly-by-night penny stock, and this was the subject line:

Recently in the news there was talk of another outbreak of Red Tide.

And yeah, these days MacMail's spam filter is about as useful as fluency in Esperanto.

If that analogy didn't work for you, just substitute some other obsolete phenomena in there and giggle to yourself or something. You know those Choose Your Own Adventure books? Or am I thinking of Mad Libs?

Deceptively Viking-Sounding Event Names, and the Aimless Blog Entries That They Inspire

I remember one of the very first times I talked to Claire, we talked about the type of environment we'd create if we ran an office. I don't remember entirely what I said (or why we were even talking about it), but, knowing my tendencies, it involved something about "creating a culture of fear and deception," and Claire responded with "I'd create a culture of sexual harrassment."

Now that I've had some time to think about it, I suppose I should have responded with "combine those two and you've got the Catholic Church!"

Enron?

Anyway.

I attended a seminar at school today labeled on the school calendar as "Mandatory Interactive Business Ethics Experience." As we filter into the conference center for the whathaveyou, we find out that this specific program is called Eagle's Flight Council Of The Marble Star. What the....

Don't believe me? Believe it now.

Now, this exercise had little to do eith ethics and everything to do with a room full of apathetic MBA students. Each of twelve teams exchanged various types of currency and started the game with various pieces of information about other teams, and through the flow of information and the barter system, teams were supposed to trade their resources to obtain the most points after one hour. Right now, it sounds more like Monopoly, without the free parking and frustration. There was no glory to be won, though we did find out later that the four winning teams received "authentic" pewter amulets (again, no joke). We all represented "villages" with names like BowMaster, IronFist, and... I don't really remember the rest of them. UnicornHoof?

We then broke into groups and discussed a case a recent MBA grad who joined Delloite Consulting and took some liberties with her company credit card (at least, that's as best I can describe it in 20 words or less). She did things like unilaterally upgrade her plane tickets and stay at the Ritz on a business trip to Omaha, as well as order movies and wine through room service, and then bill this all back to the company.

First aside: I'd totally do stuff like that, and I'd certainly allow it from my employees once I get some employees, though I wouldn't ever subject them to Omaha.

This whole "program," from the curiously-named simplistic role-playing game to a discussion of whether United or USAirways is nicer- barely even touched on the idea of ethics. When you talk about ethics, shouldn't you approach ideas such as, I don't know, topics that relate to the existence of the Better Business Bureau? Or OSHA? Or the ACLU? Or all the various unions and professional societies? Shouldn't we talk about lying to shareholders or insider trading or stealing trade secrets or falsely advertising a product?

At this point, I've entirely forgotten where I planned to go with this. I think I was going to create an ethics quiz, but at this point I'm already thinking about a movie involving a bunch of knights fighting over a pewter amulet, so the ethics quiz will consist entirely of one question suggested to me my a friend of mine from San Francisco studying for his accounting ethics exam:

You find a roll of bling on da streetz - what goes down?

a) keep da $$
b) returnz

I think a better ethics lesson for us would have been to simply slap a picture of Ken Lay or Bernie Ebers on the wall of every classrom in the building with a big LOL on their face.

The following blog entry takes place between 8:59pm and 9:57pm, NORTH HOLLYWOOD TIME.

8:59 - Damn time change. Shit started a minute early. I almost missed it!

9:00 - Previously on 24 - ex president's crazy ex-wife tries to stab him (he's totally going to be dead this episode), the Russian President for some reason cooperates with the US (that seems fishy to me), and some guy that used to be on NYPD Blue joined the cast as some hard-nosed field ops guy. He sucks.

9:02 - I can hear my roommate in the other room watching skateboarding dvds on our good tv. One day, he'll learn.

9:03 - The Vice President that's currently running the country totally blows. Cue all the various "remind you of anyone?" jokes.

9:04 - I love how incredibly specific the terrorists are with every single conversation. "We need to launch these three drones to our three primary objectives within the next 53 minutes so we can finally exact our revenge for the injustices the Americans have subjected us to. Ken Griffey Jr. hit 42 home runs in 1996."

9:06 - Chloe's getting all annoying at CTU again. Devotees will see flashes of season 3, and foreshadowing to future comments in this blog entry.

9:09 - Wait, they already launched one of the nukes? How the hell didn't I notice that?

9:10 - The god damn VP is preparing an attack on Generic Arab Nation 6 (they never address any specific nationalities - probably some sort of Homeland Security directive) now that one of the drones is airborne over US soil. That reminds me of something I saw in The Onion this week. Something about the Iraq War.

-- COMMERCIAL (now all I can think about is all the bumper stickers I'm going to see regarding the Iraq war, like "Here's to four more years of victory!" and "This was worse than the four times I had to repeat 8th grade," etc. I'm getting trademarks for those slogans, by the way, so fuck you if I see a t-shirt in Urban Outfitters with that shit on it) --

9:14 - CTU actually wasted the breath to mention that Santa Barbara is not where the nuke is headed. Imagine the sort of statement for the terrorists that that would make.

9:15 - Uh oh, Audrey's coming back.

9:17 - Nevermind. Audrey's dead. Jack's totally going to end up putting the moves on his brother's wife before this day is out. Jack rebonds fast.

9:18 - Mother fucker, who calls me during 24?

9:19 - This Audrey being dead thing is really going to throw Jack off his game for an hour or two. Apparently she was in China when she died, so Jack's going to be grieving over the idea that Audrey tried to come save him now. Why can't he learn about these things during the 364 days that aren't part of the 24 season?

9:21 - Apparently the VP's green lighting an attack on "an area near the northern border of their country." This is like the 13 seasons of the Simpsons where Springfield's state was unknown (they finally revealed that it's in Kentucky, right?)

-- COMMERCIAL (Since a lot of commercial breaks involve movie and tv show previews, I figured I'd give you a blog preview: I'm going to be writing a business ethics entry after 24 is over. It's called Eagle's Flight Order Of The Marble Star. No joke, I just had a mandatory ethics seminar with that exact title at school today, and I don't go to school in 13th century Norway) --

9:27 - Milo's still mad at Morris and thinks he might be drinking on the job. Chloe's getting shifty eyes.

9:28 - Wow. Chloe was asked to check Morris' breath (for non-watchers, Chloe is his ex-wife), so she walks up to him and makes out with him, then when he asks what she's doing she responds with "I'm just seeing if there's alcohol on your breath." Morris respons with "Gotta love this place." This is 24's first attempt at humor in 6 seasons.

9:30 - Actually, maybe that wasn't supposed to be funny.

9:31 - CTU's got a leak! I figure it's Nadia, just because everyone's backing her because the annoying NYPD Blue guy thinks it's her. Same shit happened with Nina in season 1.

9:32 - That was fast. Chloe seems to have figured out that it is Nadia. Now I'm thinking she's been set up. I'm thinking Milo's dirty. Why else would he have given her that password a while ago?

9:33 - We should also entertain the possibility it's some random that never gets any camera time. It's a lot easier to write off a character that wasn't on the show to begin with.

-- COMMERCIAL (Jack hasn't been on camera in a while. Indigestion? Actually, I'd assume Jack's stomach is made of pure lead, but he's got some sort of issue going on right now. He's cried on camera plenty of times, so the fact that he's moping over Audrey usually doesn't keep him from getting some face time with the audience. Also, there's been a nuke airborne for like 25 minutes. Ummm......) --

9:37 - President Palmer's in bad shape. I'm sure he'll be back on his feet in two episodes, even though a bomb exploded like 8 feet from him.

9:38 - Hahahaha. Karen Hayes wants the doc to bring the President back to consciousness for a minute just to chat. Yeah, and I want red shag seat covers for my Ford Focus.

9:39 - They mentioned the address 1530 Hillcrest. I try to keep track of this stuff for the 24 Reality Tour business we've been planning to start.

9:40 - NYPD Blue guy (what the hell is his name anyway? Doyle or something?) is trying to torture Nadia. I gotta tell you, this is pretty dumb, even for 24. How does CTU take 14 hours to realize they have a leak and then 8 seconds to locate it and "plug" it anyway?

9:42 - Oh there's Jack.

9:43 - Oops. Gone again.

9:44 - There he is. Kill someone already!

9:45 - Jack's vowing revenge on the people who killed Audrey or whatever. I couldn't give less of a shit about that, Jack. Take care of that during one of the days I'm not watching.

-- COMMERCIAL (This last commercial break tends to be obnoxiously long, plus I have to put up with teasers for the local news, which will also undoubtedly repeat the depressing news of the four year anniversary of the ongoing Iraq victory. I always wondered - if the media stopped covering President Bush, do you think he'd just canish into thin air? Ahhhh there's the teaser. God damn it. The fact that 51% of Iraqi's now think the country would be better off without the American presence is so embarrassing. Sorry for the diatribe. Long commercial breaks do that to me) --

9:49 - Nuke's still airborne. I don't know... just seems weird that it hasn't hit something yet. It's got to be grazing the power lines at Las Vegas International by now.

9:50 - YES. JACK FINALLY KILLED A GUY. NOW TWO GUYS! Hold on....

9:51 - And a third.... The target is San Francisco. No wonder it hasn't blown up yet.

9:52 - 30 seconds from SF already? That means it was going like 500 mph.

9:53 - This is great. Jack's basically just playing flight simulator on some old-ass computer. How is he not going to crash this thing into the Raiders' stadium or something?

9:54 - Welp, he landed it, and it immediate burst into flame. Of course, the nuke didn't blow. Well done Jack! That was one of your more childish world-savings.

9:55 - I have a feeling this nuke's still going to blow. You know, after LA's been subjected to about 80 different hazards through 5 and a half seasons of 24, it's about time some other city gets a little sweat on their collective brow.

9:56 - Hahahaha. Vice President is so bummed that it didn't blow up. He wanted to blow up a generic Middle Eastern nation.

9:57 - He's still launching the attack! Naturally, they'll be launching the attack "within the hour." Can't have that shit carry over for two weeks, now.

-- EPISODE ENDS --

Next week on Zenziro: Find out who called me during 24, and why I won't be taking his phone calls for the next week!

MARCH MUSTACHE MADNESS

breaking news

chiquita banana has been charged with terrorism fraud.


http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v312/clakat/untitled.jpg

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070314/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/terrorism_bananas

24 Update

LOL LOGAN'S EX WIFE

I'm Continuing To Make A Christmas List

6. A nasty divorce for Elvis Costello and his wife, so that he'll stop writing boring lounge music.

7. Three copies of A Million Little Pieces.

8. The installation of an intricate network of tunnels throughout the walls of my house that can be built into a guinea pig colony.

9. Ten gallons of lighter fluid.

10. A photo of Nikita Khrushchev giving a thumbs up.

Engaged and Underage quiz

1. What was your favorite Engaged and Underage couple?

2. Did you like them because they reminded you of innocent love or because your brain was running circles around how long they would last and how they would break up?

3. Do you wish the show had a host like pat say jack or vanna white?

4. What was the best line from engaged and underage?

5. What lessons have we learned from EandU?

6. If you could find out what happened to any couple, who would it be?

7. Best parent reaction?

i've been saying it forever but.....

catwoman is a really really good movie.

The following blog entry takes place between 9pm and 10pm, NORTH HOLLYWOOD TIME.

9:01 - Previously on 24! President Logan has a beard that looks suspiciously like Saddam's beard, there's a plot to kill President Palmer and the crazy guy from Dracula: Dead And Loving It (worst Mel Brooks movie ever, by the way) is the only man that's aware of it.

9:02 - Shit I totally forgot the President's press room got bombed last week. So, for, like, the 4th out of 6 seasons, the "evil" vice president is forced to step in.

9:03 - President Logan is dirty. There's no way he's redeeming himself after killing off the other President Palmer.

9:04 - George Mason should come back from the dead and be president. He was a real asshole that got shit done.

9:05 - Jack switched from field gear to a suit and clean shave in less than two minutes. What a badass.

9:08 - The guy playing the secretary of defense looks really familiar. It'll come to be by the end of the episode. Side note: Why do I think the old secretary of defense, along with his daughter who was in love with Jack will be back within the next episode or two? They go out of their way to bring back a shitbag like Logan, they sure as hell aren't keeping the Hellers off camera. Plus, the people playing those two characters aren't doing anything else with their lives. I wouldn't either.

9:09 - One of the guys behind this plot to kill the president is so stupid. Why is he keeping Tom Lennox alive other than to make sure Lennox can save the world (with Jack's help, obviously).

9:11 - Oh yeah, now they're letting Lennox loose because they "trust" him. Given that there's, like, 14 episodes left, I think he's going to turn evil.....

9:12 - Welp... I was wrong about that one. Lennox is fucked now - he totally told the wrong guy.

-- COMMERCIAL (this is the part where all characters on the show go to the bathroom and hit up Taco Bell, if you're wondering why they never televise it) --

9:17 - Ohhhh, Logan's trying to keep Jack out of the room while he meets with the Russian Consul. No way, Jack.

9:18 - My foot's falling asleep, but I TOTALLY DON'T CARE. I wonder if Jack Bauer's foot ever falls asleep?

9:19 - Did Jack kill anyone last episode? I can't remember.

9:20 - They reference the NSA wiretapping A LOT this season. Interesting

9:21 - Logan's being a softie with the Russian Consul. What a lameass. It's season 5 all over again. What a wuss. Who voted for this stupid guy? The Russians are obviously dirty. I read it on a fortune cookie once.

9:23 - Ohhh, shit's about to go down at the Russian Consulate.

-- COMMERCIAL (The Vice President was at the airport before the break. Five bucks says he'll already be at the White House by the time we're back. Andrews Air Force Base is at least an hour by car and 15-20 minutes by chopper.)

9:25 - This isn't related to 24, but Dave Matthews is guest starring on House this week? Not the way to kickstart an acting career, guy.

-- STILL ON COMMERCIAL --

9:28 - Karen Hays is still at Andres Air Force Base? She's been there for, like, 4 episodes. I was about to say how dumb it was she was planning to bolt for LA, but now I see why they tossed in this little plot hole.

9:31 - Secret Service doesn't believe Tom Lennox about the conspiracy. Obviously the Veep won't either, since he's in on this shit.

9:33 - VP is blackmailing Lennox without even making it obvious he's behind the assassination attempt. What a mess. Why can't they just fly Jack out to DC to clean house?

9:34 - Jack's conducting dark ops at the Russian Consulate in a black suit with a purple tie and.... holy shit, he speaks Russian? He must have gotten some books on tape during those two years in Chinese prison.

9:36 - Interrogation time! Fuck yeah. Jack's gonna spend the next year between seasons in Siberia. Taking the Russian Consul hostage? Crazy shit.

9:37 - Ha! He just called CTU and said "Bill, I've got a situation." Well put.

-- COMMERCIAL (During this break, Jack and the Russian Consul split a cheeseburger, talk about last week's episode of Prison Break, joke about their love lives, show off some of their scars, and the Russian Consul helps Jack out with the day's LA Times Crossword) --

9:41 - The secret office under the White House looks rad. If I were President, I'd never go anywhere else. I wonder how the food service is.

9:43 - Ahhh two people talking at once. Stop stop I'll miss something! VP's secretary needs to shut up while Bill Buchanan is talking.

9:44 - See, and now I don't even know what she said because I was so mad and was tying with great fury. Oh I see, the Russian President's on the phone. I'm hoping it's like the Russian Premier in Dr. Strangelove where he's totally hammered because it's the middle of the night.

9:45 - Ohh back to the Jack interrogation. It's been ten minutes and he's just now asking about Gridenko? They were totally doing the crossword. It brings enemies together, I'm telling you. Or maybe they were playing Chess.

9:46 - BOOYA. Jack just cut off the guy's finger! Merica!

9:47 - Did you ever seen Man On Fire? Denzel did that shit too.

9:48 - Damn, Russian guy came clean pretty quick. FUCK they captured Jack! That shit won't fly. Tony Almedia's gonna come back from the dead to save Jack one more time. Also, what happened to Jack's dad? Dude vanished two episodes ago.

-- COMMERCIAL (This episode's been pretty emotionally intense without a lot of violence, so I'd imagine most of the players are simply sitting in quiet reflection over the events of the last 48 minutes, and how best to give me a traumatizing cliffhanger in the next 12 minutes so that I remain tormented about the show when I'm supposed to be lining up that 3-ball combo to the 9 ball at Michael's) --

9:52 - There's been very few shots of CTU this episode. What's Chloe up to? What about Milo? God, this Vice President sucks.

9:53 - Oh, there's Chloe. When did her desk turn red? What's it clear glass? And when did Morris clean his act up? He was a bumbling idiot last week.

9:54 - Ohhh, Buchanan's authorizing a special operation into the Consulate. Act of War, bitch!

9:55 - Jack's tied up. You're gonna need a lot more than rope to restain him. Remember in the first episode this season when he ate his way out of Fayed's restraint and bit a guy to death? What a cool guy.

9:56 - Ha! Jack just TALKED his way out of capture. There's a first time for everything. Too bad the guy who set him free ended up getting shot anyway. Live and learn.

-- EPISODE ENDS --

Next week on Zenziro - Will Tom Lenoox finally get some traction with revealing the conspiracy? Will Kevin's foot finally wake up? Will Logan's crazy wife resurface?

The answer to the third question is yes. For the rest of the answers, join us next week on the internet.

Lost Diary 2.0.0.7

Once I thought the world was going to die because of global warming, now i'm thoroughly convinced it's going to die because of horrible television programming such as these recent lost episodes. Why oh why oh why.

Here goes:

1. Wow! that was a great idea getting cheech to play Hurley's dad. They're BOTH HISPANIC... AND... hurley talks like he's always stoned (even though he's been stuck on an island for about 3 yrs)

2. Hurley's dad gives him a candy bar - the subtlty of this show always makes me happy. I mean who would pick up on the fact that hurley's weight problem was caused by his dad leaving him at an early age. it's like they throw things in as foreshadowing only for the hardcore fans.......
........
.....
not

3. so the dog brings out an arm carrying a rabbits foot with keys to a car. Hurley runs through the jungle to try and find the car. He finds it. I guess the dog remembered? My dog can't even remember what food means and thats the only thing he cares about. I have a hard time believing this plot already.

4. I could go on about what else happens but it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse

the epic endings of all of these are really disturbing.

until next week... when, hopefully, they give me some matthew fox, so i can turn the sound down.. open a bottle of 2000 cab, order some indian from down the street and have a 'couples night'....
til then..

I'm Starting To Make A Christmas List

1. A parrot that can recite pi to 20 decimal places and who addresses me as "champ."

2. A $4.50 Taco Bell Gift Card

3. A speed limit sign not ending in 5 or 0

4. Red shag upholstery for my car

5. The solution to today's (March 4, 2007) LA Times crossword.

Start shopping. We'll be adding more periodically.

Music Video of the Day

Paradox of the Day

Claire hates women.

Don't tell anyone.

Red Cabbage

Not only is it essential for Lebanese-style cabbage salad with an unnamed secret ingredient that we've recently discovered, but used in soup creates a very stylish and tasty purple broth. What's even better, though, is that upon placing said soup in the fridge, it began to glow with a red glow only seen in the eyes of a jaguar on the plains of Kenya, and on certain outer moons of Saturn. I'm actually a little bit terrified to open the fridge in the morning knowing that I might live out the plot of Ghostbusters before my Macroeconomics exam... not that that excuse wouldn't get me an automatic A, plus, honestly after selling the movie rights, I could probably just quit school and fulfill my dream of opening a Del Krispy House in Southern California (it's exactly what it sounds like, or if you have no idea what it sounds like, imagine Del Taco, Krispy Kreme and Waffle House all wrapped up into one, with added amenities such as nap rooms, petting zoos and build-your-own-ham-radio stations).

I believe it was This American Life, or one of those more pretentious NPR shows, that did a feature on people giving acceptance speeches should they ever win an Oscar or something of the sort. I've begun writing mine. Assuming that I don't get word tomorrow that I'll be winning some sort of speech-worthy award in the next 2-3 presidential terms, I'll go ahead and debut it here.

This blog entry is over.

5 best animal hybrids

5. hammerhead shark

4. catfish

3. guinea pig

4. the dog broom from alice in wonderland

5. flying squirrel

Open Letter: Fox

Dear Fox,
Whatever happened to Joe Millionaire and Temptation Island? I mean, seriously, did you watch those? That was good shit. How can you do a sequel to Temptation
Island on a boat? I believe this seriously degrades us not only as country but also as a culture. If I want to see peoples' marriages get ruined, or see marriages begin without the bride knowing either the name nor the financial status of the suitor, it should be in a proper setting. C'mon! Do I really want to see a cowboy from Texas trying to convince a bunch of girls he's really a millionaire in a Villa in France when the guy is clearly less cultured than Anna Nicole(God rest her soul!). See what you've done, we're bringing Anna Nicole into this. Even after the tragic way she went. What happened to the woman who wanted to "wash poor people?" There was no one like that on either of the last seasons of Joe Millionaire or Temptation Island. Your reality shows these days are nearly impossible to gamble on; Because, even with money on the line, I can't stand to watch. And I have been known to watch amateur curling attentively when there's money on the line (And that shit's boring). See what I'm getting at?
In Conclusion, unless you can give me a seven letter word for "carving figure heads, for instance" or free copies of Joe Millionaire and Temptation Island on DVD, I might start to notice that Family Guy isn't funny anymore. More importantly, I might tell more than 2 friends.

Love indubidably,
K Phillip Wade
(Dictated but not read)

proposed urban legend: noho

1986 - North Hollywood, CA
a hooker in north hollywood was at Michaels with her employer. He pointed to michael and said... do him. she went. They landed in his 1982 Green Pinto on the corner of Elmer and Victory. She thought he looked too classy to live in a pinto. He surprised her by taking him into his 1 bedroom appartment that he shared with his family. She thought his cousins looked too young for her "charms" but she said "fuck it... I had sex with an 11 yr old last week and he definitely seemed over 15." But instead he took her into his orange shag rug carpetted master bedroom. She was a little turned off by the orange (like most of his former hussies) so he offered her some KY. During their interlude they ended up going through an entire bottle. An hour later they were saying their goodbyes and walking to the door when they noticed one thing was amis: Their hands were both covered in KY jelly. "Fuck!" they thought. "What are we going to do now?" They tried to open the door but they couldn't. The handle was made of 1926 Copper and was completely smooth. They died in that room. And ever since, the one bedroom appartment on the corner of Victory and Elmer has always had the ghost of the wet pussy, running amock, leaving women restless and men very happy.

ps: michaels ghost also serves alcohol at his old bar.

Healthy Resentment: Television (in general)

1. being addicted to the food network but not being able to eat any of it cuz you're a vegetarian

2. ER - how many seasons do they have now? How many times can people have heart attacks? Or... Does anyone really care about those rare diseases they come up with? For me.. being a hypocondriac the last thing i need to hear about are all of the various ways i can die. I think about those enough.

3. Will and Grace and Queer eye for the Straight Guy: haven't we evolved to the point where we don't need to deal with pathetic gay stereotypes?

4. The Celebrity shows that focus on Severly Anorexic or overweight people and documenting their patheticness - how is that celebrity? or entertainment?

5. watching animals slaughter their prey on the discovery channel... yet they take off fine entertainment like "when animals attack." at least that was good quality bad tv.

6. watching lyposuction... anything lyposuction

7. the True Hollywood Story of the Paparrazzi. That was a new low.

8. Deal or No Deal.

9. Cops is always depressing. Why not have people who're excited about getting on Tv? Looking forward to the warm meal in Jail?

10.Tucker Carlson - Someone should make him g-string with a bow tie over his balls. Oh.... that might be difficult.

Engaged, Underage, And Really Fond Of Making Lists That End In 5 or 0

If you haven't seen MTV's show "Engaged and Underage," you should really think about adding it to your Monday schedule. I know that' conlficts with 24, but it's the 90's, and things are available on the internet now. Do it.

Top 10 Things You Think Right Before You Get Married

10. Thank God. I'm sick of being homeless.

9. This is my worst idea yet for trying to remember a girl's last name.

8. Does the RV have gas? Otherwise our honeymoon's gonna be in Mom's driveway.

7. I wonder if the "sexy apron" was a bad gift idea for her.

6. In hindsight, limiting our registry simply to Circus Liquor and Boot Barn probably wasn't a great idea.

5. Finally Dad won't think I'm gay.

4. This is nice! I can't wait to get married again!

3. Is it a bad sign that she's eating the entire cake?

2. Does invisible ink on a pre-nup hold up in court?

1. Crap, now I'll never know what it's like to sleep with a black man.

Lost... what the hell happened?

All right so for those of you who have been obsessed with Lost.. this week was the final straw. I've tried for weeks on end to avoid noticing the plot twists that include painfully obvious toys or gimmicks to use in the upcoming "Lost the final frontier" video game.. I've also tried hopelessly to pretend I'm not watching a danielle steel novel. AND I've avoided noticing that ALL THEY DO IS CREATE MYSTERIES WITH NO CONCLUSIONS... actually scratch that,, just really bad conclusions.

So the moral of the story is.. this will no longer be called my lost diary but instead will be titled, "why lost failed me and everyone else who once believed in the renaisance in television (and cinema)."

So here are my thoughts on this weeks episode:

1. OK so we're sitting here on this boat with Kate and Sawyer and thinking: oh here comes the touching speech about them having sex a couple episodes again... but no... we get Kate talking about wanting to turn the boat around to rescue Jack.
--- Kate.... you just got a boat with a rambling kid who's talking about jesus and jacob and you want to turn it around to rescue Jack with your one man army... OK next topic

2. OO they're getting REALLY creative with throwing in random Jesus topics... didn't see that one coming either... Could it be A CULT?! they need to get a lot more subtle really fast.

3. ok so Jacks having a flashback about Phuket... and low and behold there's Bai Ling.... I looked this bitch up and couldn't find anything that made me think she has any talent and her acting right now isn't doing her any favors. Topic for discussion: what is bai ling famous for? something tells me she has something to do with David Lynch or David Bowie but maybe that's cuz she has crazy hair... Let's keep going...

4. Ooo she taught him to build a kite.. i knew there was a reason she was on this show... Ok so the surgeon who has done things in Medicine no one else has can save a patient from paralysis but can't build a kite.. something tells me lindeloff was sitting around thinking.. I wonder if building a kite would work for a mid-level teaser in a video game?
just a thought.

5. Where's desmond? Why can't we have a psychic back.. that last episode was one of the best things going for this one and theres no desmond? they could've just thrown him in for effect.

6. Ahhh.... she has special powers.... a "gift" if you will... hm something tells me this is going to have a lot to do with cults.

7. UH oh... Juliet my nemesis in my quest to get matthew fox to sleep with me.. is going to jail HAH HAH!!! yesss... finally i can watch this show without puking.. (Sidenote: Juliet is my least favorite character... she was obviously created for soccer mom's to relate to.. Can't you see Teri Hatcher curling up to lost thinking.. that's so me.. I'm so strangely evil like her... oo depth) Yes.. i'm mean... sooo she's in trouble because Jack told on her for trying to kill Henry Gale (aka: Ben).

8. We have a new character who looks almost exactly like the woman that Desmond saw in his dream. I guess she's the "sherrif" hm... I like that she's evil too.. however I'm still bored watching this episode.

9. Jack lies to save Juliet because they have to create some kind of chemistry between the characters.. blah blah blah.. They really shouldve picked someone who wasn't as soccer mommish.. Jack is no soccer dad.

10. I'm just going to skip to the end where I finally did puke. Ok.. so we've got this touching moment where Karl (like KARL MARX!?) is looking up at the stars thinking about Alex (another poorly cast actress who seems a touch too angsty) thinking about the constellation they named called "latin for teddy bear" (who writes this crap). Jack and whats her name are looking at eachother gazing into eachothers eyes... i puke a little in my mouth.. then they touch their finger tips together and i officially puke.

Overall.. I LOST all respect for lost. get it? but I will continue watching on a quest to find out why it is this happened.. and hoping that desmond can bring it all home.

oh and charlie better die otherwise I really will give up on trying to figure out these conspiracies.

American Idol update

AI is once again as enlightening as it is entertaining.
I was only half as disturbed as I have been in recent weeks.
However, commentary by Ryan Seacrest has once again seeped into my dreams.

On a side note I have to give an update on the Los Feliz Indian Sweets and Spices restaurant I go to almost everyday. Avoid todays potatoes. Actually avoid them tomorrow too... They use leftovers.

and now for lost...

Like Abbot and Costello, Without The Gimmicks or Derby Hats

There's a new comedy duo in North Hollywood. I won't say what their names are, nor will I say what their names rhyme with, because that's stupid. Their names don't rhyme with "optical" or "salamander" however, if that helps. Michael's on Oxnard, on Tuesdays, right between the Asian guy who finds himself far too amusing and the girl who finds all other comedians completely unamusing.

thanks dad....

for never doing this.



i'll let you decide if the "never doing this" is referring to the shoving or the videotaping.

open letter to usc

give me a better parking spot.

love,
kevin

thats hot

healthy resentment: sitcoms


1. reba mcintyre

2. friends

3. that ho from king of queens

4. joey - the spinoff

5. malcolm in the middle

6. the michael richards show

7. caroline in the city

------------hold on a second--------------

------Open letter to Nyle,
Nyle you took all of my salsa... i want it back cuz im very hungry.
thank you for your time,
your sister-----------------------


8. the drew carrey show

9. 2 and a half men

10. everybody loves raymond

1man guinea pig parade

first off, you might be wondering.. how is it that you can have a one man guinea pig parade... i know kevin was curious. let's just imagine if we will owning a special loving small doestic rodent.. worthy of being in a parade. now.. let's amplify it.. by 10 million. that is why the guinea pig was worthy of having its own parade.

--------
now on to our next topic and no there will not be 10 million guinea pigs in a one-man guinea pig parade, kevin.

one man is not a guinea pig

no it can not be as man guinea pigs as you want..

and yes i know it is confusing that a man is not a guinea pig but neither is a woman and that never stopped anyone.

overall. i think we can agree that releasing the guinea pig down elmer can be qualified as a parade. regardless of what route it travels

and no we cannot put a balloon on him.. our organization would lose money.

although if anyone would like to donate a 5 cent balloon that says "happy presidents day" OR "happy secrataries day" we will be happy to tie it to the guinea pig at reasonable cost. (1 coors light - in 2 cups)

kevin is putting a v-tech jersey on his coors light as we speak and criticizing my plan for the one-man guinea pig parade... also known as one-world order


kevin will take pictures....

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Healthy Resentment Is...

1) When you finally get paid your rent money two weeks late, and it's in the form of Canadian quarters and already-played McDonald's Monopoly game pieces (actual cash value: one sixteenth of a cent).

2) When the Bigfoot Lounge fails to have an artist's rendition of Bigfoot, the Yeti, The Abominable Snowman, The Chupacabra, or even a standard black bear.

3) When upon completion of The Articulate Executive, you suddenly realize that your executive is not articulate.

4) When the $800 in parking tickets you've paid over the last two years finally come to fruition as the seemingly bottomless pothole outside your house finally gets paved over.

5) When the elation of a fixed road surface immediately dies as you realize that the department of transportation paved over your cat.

6) When after your 19th viewing of Syriana, you still don't totally get it.

7) When your boyfriend tells you that he likes you because you look like Ashlee Simpson, but specifies post-nose job.

8) When you make a run for the border, and the Border does not heed to your "no sour cream" warnings.

9) When earlier discussion of the Abominable Snowman leads to the epiphany that Barak Obama should really be referred to as the Obominable Candidate, and then your subsequent trademark requests get denied.

10) When insatiable desire to purchase $100 tickets to the Police reunion tour forces a carfully budgeted trip to Las Vegas to win ticket money, only to yield $20 less than intended due to poor budgeting and an unscheduled Del Taco stop, and then subsequent return trip leads to losses in excess of $6000.

its official

me and spinach are back together. it's been awhile. ever since the ecoli scare and that other ecoli scare spinach and i have been seeing other people. i ended up eating broccoli and cauliflower and massive amount of potatoes to deal with my pain... but nothing seemed the same... so i wrote a song and spinach came back to me.. this is how it went.

green
the only green machine in my life
green its all i can see
when im eating
you

green
i had a vision i was eating without you
how?
when my green mean iron machine
you are meant for me

green
talked to pop eye
he told me
we had another chance
but spinach pie
all those other guys
weren't the same
without you
broccoli pie
what is that?

spinach
come back
id eat you softly
slowly
i'd swish you around my mouth really fast
and not even smoke any hash....
before hand

OH SPINACH
you're the one
you're the one that i want with my cream
when you're steamed
my little stir fry secret
come home.

if you can read this you don't need glasses

or are already wearing glasses or are sitting dangerously close to your computer. back off, that shit will make you go sterile.

kevin and my recent adventures of the mind

kevin and I... claire k davis... recently embarked on a wild adventure. not through a chocolate starfish.. not through iraq... through our minds.. i love brains.. this one time i was really high and had this idea that i should make an action movie about a naked heartthrob who swings around with a whip and a cowboy hat covering his penis.. i was like.. what would make this better?
thats when it came to me.. monkey brains.
ever since then i decided to create this account. i decided that anything that came out of my brain was gold. kevin being the smartass that he is was like: that movie would make hundreds of dollars had it come out in 1982.
so i quipped back: i wasn't even born doofus
he was like: you shouldnt have been born
then i was like : thats not what your mom says
he was like: your moms so stupid she returned a donut cuz it had a hole
i was like: your moms hole tastes amazing
etc.
anyway eventually we decided to have sex
and this is what spawned from our love making.

ciao

kevin

can you see this kevin? we can see you.........